Obviously, the hottest movie out there right now is the raunchy 50 Shades of Grey. Intrigued, I decided to take one for the Loco team and review the film. Armed with a notebook, a pen, and no hope, my friend Bri (yes there are two of us) and I set forth to see this BDSM Twilight rip-off at 10:35 pm on a Tuesday.

After looking over my notes, I realized that my minute-by-minute thoughts were much more entertaining than any “review” I could write. So, without further ado, I present to you a running diary of my 50 Shades experience. Warning: there is swearing, excessive caps lock, and the timestamps are rough estimates (AKA I just kind of made them up). Enjoy, and please, don’t pay to see this film.

10:47 pm: We’re approximately 12 minutes late but it’s ok because a Will Smith trailer is still playing and it appears that nobody except one guy is in the theatre anyway. I’m disappointed. I was hoping for squeaky teenaged girls and sexually repressed housewives in the audience. There’s not even a couple making out in the back row. Then again, only weirdos go see 50 Shades of Grey at 10:35 on a Tuesday night. I guess it’s just me, other Bri, and this lonely man along for the ride.

10:48 pm: Did I mention that we somehow got roped into seeing it in IMAX? No? Well, we are. Nothing but surround sound groans of pain and yelps of pleasure for us.

10:50 pm: Here we go. Let the games begin.

10:51 pm: Annie Lennox! Starting strong.

10:51 pm: One minute in and we’ve already seen a collection of grey ties. Just in case you wanted some foreshadowing, here it is.

10:52 pm: The girl who plays Anna has only spoken two words and I can already tell that this is going to be painful.

10:53 pm: Me to Bri: “How did Annie Lennox get roped into this?” Bri just shrugs. We are both at a loss.

10:54 pm: Anna just fell over because obviously, she is “clumsy”. Bri looks at me and says “starfish wobble”. Somehow, I feel like this movie would be greatly improved if it were, indeed, about wobbly starfish.

10:57: “I exercise control in all things, Miss Steele.” – Actual facepalm. Can you be anymore obvious about your secret sexy time persona, Mr. Grey?

10:59 pm: I’ve read reports about the two of them not having any chemistry, or actually even liking each other, but I didn’t think it would be this bad. It is bad. Very bad. There is tension in the air and it is not sexual.

11:02 pm: She’s now standing in the rain because Seattle means it must always be raining. She looks more turned on by those raindrops than she did the entire time she was chewing on the Grey Enterprises pencil and staring at Jamie Dornan’s two different sized eyes.

11:05 pm: Anna’s roommate is totally a Rosalie ripoff. She just stole Anna’s sandwich. I want this entire movie to be about her.

11:07 pm: They are in a hardware store (Where Anna works? Why does she sell power tools?) and Christian wants to buy some rope and masking tape and cable ties and I am 100% freaked out. Please tell me this is not something that someone somewhere actually wrote down.

11:07 pm: The words “Or I could just take all my clothes off” just came out of Christian’s mouth and I AM CRYING FROM LAUGHTER. How did this get made into a movie?

11:15 pm: He sent her fancy books. Romantic.

11:19 pm: The roommate and Anna are doing shots. I could use a shot right now. Or 20.

11:22 pm: Honestly, the best 3 minutes of this movie is Anna calling Christian while wasted and being a sassy drunk bitch. This whole thing would just be better if everyone was drunk.

11:24 pm: Anna’s Jacob-like best friend is trying to hit on her. This is not at all shocking considering this was a Twilight fanfic before and nobody seemed to care enough to fix it.

11:24 pm: CHRISTIAN SHOWED UP TO THE CLUB SHE’S AT AND SHOVED THE JACOB DOPPELGÄNGER. THIS IS NOT OK.

11:25 pm: They are in a fancy hotel room. Christian “put her to bed” like a child which is so beyond weird in this situation, and now he’s buttering her some toast.

11:26 pm: HE JUST ATE HER TOAST OUT OF HER HAND. This is not sexy. I would not be ok with this because I like toast. You can’t just go around eating people’s breakfast.

11:30 pm: CHRISTIAN SAID “FUCK THE PAPERWORK!” AND NOW THEY ARE MAKING OUT IN AN ELEVATOR.

11:32 pm: The elevator make-out was short-lived and not that hot.  At this point, the BDSM scenes would be a step up from what I’m watching. Bring on the sexy times because I am bored out of my mind.

11:37 pm: They are now flying in a helicopter en route to Seattle and what I presume to be his sex den to the sounds of Ellie Goulding. It’s kind of pretty. I unfortunately like this song. Why do good soundtracks happen to shitty movies?

11:38 pm: OF FUCKING COURSE HE PLAYS THE PIANO.

11:39 pm: They’re talking about something. This is probably the worst thing I ever watched, and that’s saying something because Nic Cage is my favorite actor and his movies are not always award winning.

11:47 pm: “Are you going to make love to me now?”- I sure hope so because this movie is getting really stale. Let’s spice this baby up.

11:46:  “I don’t make love, I fuck. Hard.”- LOLOLOL ok whatever. Bri and I just burst out laughing. I may have snorted. Who is this asshole and why is everyone in love with him?

11:42 pm: He’s about to show her the sex room. Here we go. I am ready. Bri starts chanting “Red flag, red flag, red flag!” Listen to Bri, Anna. You probably shouldn’t go in there.

11:43 pm: Instead of being freaked out or mildly alarmed, Anna just strolls right on into the “playroom” and messes around with some of the stuff, acting as cool as a cucumber. She is literally faced with whips and chains and who knows what else, and she’s acting as if she’s walking into a living room filled with antique furniture. This is probably not a normal reaction.

11:45pm: UPDATE: Anna is a virgin, she’s literally never done anything. I did not see this coming, but I probably should have because Bella didn’t have sex either until a sparkly vampire came along. Christian seems to dig this. He wants to pop her cherry and then tie her up and make her his sex slave 4eva. How is this a book that people read.

11:46 pm: He has decided it’s time to “rectify the situation”. SOMEONE’S VIRGINITY IS NOT A “SITUATION” – THIS IS A PERSON’S REAL LIFE OMG HOW DO PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE. My inner feminist is SCREAMING.

1148: pm: DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THIS CREEP, ANNA. RUN AWAY.

1148 pm: Also, putting Sia’s voice over a sex scene is not going to make it any better. SIA WHY DID YOU INVOLVE YOURSELF IN THIS MESS?!!?

11:49 pm: They’re doing it. There are boobs. So much boob. Lots of boob. Boob overload.

11:50 pm: THERE IS ALSO LOTS OF VAGINA. OH MY LORD HOW IS THIS ONLY RATED R? I FEEL SO GROSS WATCHING THIS.

11:51 pm: Anna listens to the Rolling Stones while cooking Christian a breakfast he does not deserve. I approve of her musical taste, but do not approve of the usage of “Beast of Burden” in this shitty film. Christian is hungry but not for pancakes if you know what I mean.

11:54 pm: More boobs. I’m convinced that for the rest of this movie she will not wear any clothes.

12:04 pm: PENIS ALERT, PENIS ALERT. WE’VE SEEN A GLANCE OF JAMIE DORNAN’S DICK. BRI AND I ARE SHOCKED BUT WE’RE NOT MAD ABOUT IT.

??? pm: Porn. Just really pretty, artistic porn. I paid $18.50 to watch porn.

Maybe an hour into the film?: Rita Ora only speaks like, 3 lines, one of which is in French. I was promised Rita Ora and this is not what I was expecting. More Rita, less sex, please and thank you.

I’ve given up writing down anything. I just….every other thought would be “omg what” or “why.”

Some unknown time because time has lost all meaning during this movie. It feels like hours but has probably only been minutes: Christian just followed her to Georgia which is 100% NOT OK and now they are in flying in one of those tandem planes. This always seems fine and dandy until you realize that nobody ever tells you how to get down. Do you crash? Do you die? What happens to you?

???: HE JUST SAID “I’M 50 SHADES OF FUCKED UP.” IS THAT HONESTLY A REAL LINE. DID HE REALLY JUST SAY THAT. I’m laughing. I’m cringing with disgust. I might be crying. I don’t even know what my emotions are anymore.

12:46ish: PRAISE HALLELUJAH IT IS OVER.

Final thoughts upon leaving the theatre: Nobody even tried to pretend that this isn’t Twific. Nobody even tried at all. The sex was boring. All Bri and I could think about while they were getting it on is how hungry we are. Anna was getting flogged and the only thought that passed through my mind was “Hmm…I could really go for McDonalds right now.” This is probably not a good sign of a semi-porno. Also, nobody can act. Christian is the worst person ever. I’ve lost all faith in the movie industry for letting this become a film. Jamie Dornan hates his life, I can tell. I also hate myself for seeing this. Why. Just why.

Share your 50 Shades experience below. Thoughts? Concerns? Did you hate it as much I did or is it on your list of guilty pleasures? Let it all out in the comments!

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