6 Reasons (Not?) to Have Kids

I know what’s going to cause the apocalypse.

No, it’s not zombies. It’s not a meteor, or aliens, or even global warming. It’s the millennials—-And not in the way you’re thinking.

We aren’t going to blow up the planet with raunchy lyrics and Bernie Sanders votes. Humanity will go out quietly, simply because of this: my generation, for some reason, doesn’t like kids. We don’t like caring for them, looking at them, or smelling them (who does). There are those rare exceptions where kids are almost appealing (Like the ones in memes. That are virtual. And not mine.) Every once in awhile, you’ll find a millennial who’s been fooled by these internet cuties. But, for the most part the people of my generation are apathetic at best when it comes to procreation.

As one of the many late-teen and twenty-somethings across the country who has no plans of making children of my own, I decided to do some intensive research to discover what, exactly, are the reasons people do choose to reproduce. Here’s what I discovered.

  1. KidsTeach You How To Budget

Remember that Personal Finance class you took in high school? Well, if not, your future children can give you a kickstart in saving money like you never imagined. Mostly because you won’t have any money to save. You’ll be spending it all on disposable diapers and baby formula and school uniforms and prom dresses. Oh, and college tuition. Yup, that’ll have you thinking twice about ordering your usual Friday night pizza.

  1. All of Your Food Will Be Animal Shaped

I don’t know about you, but I want nothing more than a freezer stocked with dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets.

  1. You’ll Be More Hip

I truly fear that day in my 30s when I realize I’m not a part of the college community and I have no idea what’s going on in pop culture. Luckily for those who have kids, their angsty teenage sons and daughters will be there to show them what cool really is nowadays. And to remind their parents that Mom and Dad are most definitely not on point.

  1. You Can Forget About Dieting

Say adios to the gym, expensive running shoes, and carrot sticks. Instead, you’ll use all your energy running around trying to find your runaway children.

  1. You Never Have To Worry About Getting Egotistical

Don’t worry. From the childhood tantrums to high school “I hate you’s,” your kids will definitely keep you humble—whether you need it or not.

  1. You Can Forget About Changing the World

Your legacy will already be made. It’s indisputable. Kids cause a lot of problems—but they’re also one of the most rewarding accomplishments any parent will ever have. Through your kids (should you have them), you’ll be able to change your own small piece of the world. And you’ll lose all your hair.

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