Expert Advice: BEST resolutions

We’re back again with our excellent advice for all who seek to better themselves this New Year!

  • If your New Year’s resolution is to stop eating junk food, make sure you buy all of the sweets you can afford on December 31st and binge in one sitting, before the New Year starts!
  • Resolve to become a someone new, someone cooler, like you always wanted to be. Change your hair. Change your style. Maybe even give yourself a little facial pick-me-up. In fact, why not become an entirely different person. Ask your plastic surgeon to make you look like Scarlett Johansson; then throw her into a bottomless hole and steal her life. And there you go! You are now Scarlett Johansson! You have millions of dollars and a cool spy suit to somersault around your mansion in.
  • Resolve to take over the world—before Donald Trump does.
  • Rather than making a resolution, make no resolutions. For the whole year. Don’t have any goals at all, no one actually needs those.
  • Some people see the new year as a way to meet new people and open themselves up, but this year why not break away from the mainstream and be the most awkwardly introverted version of yourself. Who needs friends, when you have Netflix.
  • Resolve this year to drop the toxic people in your life. And there’s really no way of knowing who’s toxic deep inside, so it’s best to just drop everyone. Drop your mom, drop your roommate, drop your boyfriend, definitely drop your cat. Physically, if at all possible. Best to take all precautions against that toxicity.

And there you have it! For a successful 2016, follow these tips and you’re guaranteed* a great year.

* Not guaranteed whatsoever, we void all responsibility if anything goes wrong.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *