Expert Advice: Tips for Starting a New Life

Welcome to our Expert Advice column, where we gathered a team of Human Experts to give you the very best advice for all of your human problems. This month’s advice is on the subject of how to start over with a brand new life.

  • Fake your own death.
  • Leak secret U.S. files and flee to Russia.
  • Burn your house down and go live in the wilderness.
  • Build an underground shelter and start life anew as a degenerate.
  • Drop out of school and use your tuition money to herd sheep in the mountains.
  • Quit your job and learn to live as a goat.
  • Get plastic surgery to look like a doll, and then move to Japan and disguise yourself as a live action anime character.
  • Get an awful spray tan, become a billionaire and run for president.
  • Release your pet snake into your suburban neighborhood.
  • Decide to go off the grid, watching copious amounts of Bear Grylls to prepare. Decide that you don’t need to bring anything with you to your new life.
  • Erase all references to your current self, including your birth certificate, passport, and social security card.
  • Commit a felony, being a convict perpetually on the run will allow you to live the nomadic lifestyle you’ve always wanted!
  • Move to North Korea.
  • I hear Canada’s got free healthcare.

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