Expert Advice: Holding Hands

Welcome to our Expert Advice column, where we gathered a team of Human Experts to give you the very best advice for all of your human problems. This month’s advice is on the subject of hand-holding on dates. If you follow these pieces of advice to the letter, you’ll be sure to score a second date!**

  • Once you have their hand in your possession, make sure you never let go. Ever. Bring them with you everywhere. To get snacks, to go to the bathroom…everywhere.
  • Hold pinkies, like an extended pinky promise. Just your pinkies.
  • Don’t be afraid to initiate a thumb-wrestling challenge every once in awhile. It can really spice up your hand-holding love life! It’s also a great way to determine whose hand gets to be “on top.”
  • Remember, if your hands get sweaty, wipe them off on the other person’s shirt.
  • Never, EVER let your hands get dry. It’s a good idea to lick your palms regularly to keep them enticingly moist and clammy.
  • Squeeze their hand as tightly as you can to establish dominance in the relationship. If you can’t hear cracking bones, you’re not loving hard enough.
  • Spread the love by sneezing in your hand before holding someone else’s. That way they’ll always have a part of you with them.
  • Sharpen your fingernails so that you pierce into the skin of your beloved and you’ll be connected to them forever.
  • Use your index finger to casually scratch the inside of their palm. You never know when they might have an itchy hand!
  • The only acceptable way to end a hand-holding session is to vigorously spin your lover onto the ground.
**Disclaimer: We void all responsibility if these tips do not, in fact, grant you another date.

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