Shitty Horror Movies

Here’s a fun fact: I hate gore. I hate horror movies, I hate jump scares. I am a very anxious human person.

However. One of my favorite and least destructive guilty pleasures is sitting down with my best friend, a big glass of Pinot Grigio, and shitty 80’s horror movies. They really are so terrible that it turns into comedy after the movie is halfway over, and by then end we’re yelling and throwing popcorn at the screen.

Everyone should know that the best horror movies (really, the best movies in general) are on VHS. I’m not kidding, find your closest thrift store and pick up a VHS player and some tapes and have a damn party.

After some quick Googling and an absolute hunt for four VHS tapes, my roommate and I became the proud owners of Prism Entertainment’s’ finest. Prism Entertainment Corporation was a horror movie making factory in the 1980’s and 1990’s, cranking out 330 films in their 12 years of operation. The number is impressive, but so is the sheer ridiculousness of the movies we found.

Bloody Birthday (1981), There’s Nothing Out There (1991), and Voyage of the Rock Aliens (1984) were the winners. And they were bad. But also great? Especially Voyage, but we’ll get to that in a minute.

Bloody Birthday was sub par, to be kind. The plot centers on kids born during a solar eclipse who go crazy as soon as they turn ten. Supposedly, the sun blocked Saturn (the planet that “controls emotions”) and therefore they are emotionless and go on a crazy killing spree. Full of bad plot twists, this one was definitely not my favorite.

There’s Nothing Out There was much better than Bloody Birthday, but still really not great. I personally had a ton of fun watching this film solely because of how ridiculous it was. A horror movie enthusiast ends up camping at a lake with a group of friends; the group spends the entire movie dipping and dodging the most predictable horror situations all while trying to convince each other that they’re being paranoid. Mild hilarity ensues. Definitely worth a watch.

Disclaimer: Voyage of the Rock Aliens is the most incredible masterpiece that I have ever had the true pleasure of watching. Ever.

I went into Voyage of the Rock Aliens expecting some Twilight Zone – esque situation, but man, I was so wrong. It’s a freakin’ musical. Hey, reader, for real, watch this. Aliens land on Earth in a small town in the U.S.A. in search of the source of rock and roll (honestly, same). There are serial killers, greasers, some badass leading ladies, and a sea monster. It lacks a plot line, and really any acting talent at all, but the soundtrack is truly incredible and I need to find it in it’s entirety so that I can listen to it non-stop for the rest of my life.

Small time films from the 80’s are truly underrated, and if you’re ever struggling on deciding what to watch with your friends in the middle of the night you should give these gems a try.

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