The Ted Travel Ban

“For we neither build houses nor cultivate land” -Jonathan Swift, A Modest Proposal

One of the largest stories of 2017 has been President Donald Trump’s Executive Order 13769, commonly referred to as his travel ban. A diminutively brief description is that on January 27th, 2017, President Donald Trump signed an order that closed the nation’s borders of seven primarily Muslim countries. That order was ultimately blocked. After this defeat, the president signed a less restrictive version of the order on March 6th, 2017. The new order kept the travel ban active on six of the seven countries, this time leaving out Iraq, visa holders, and U.S. citizens. Even though the ban has been implemented on a temporary basis, it is still meeting great amounts of protest and criticism.

This author is proposing that the reason for the travel ban critiques do not stem from the harshness of the ban, but rather the lack of results this ban will yield. The purpose of Executive Order 13769, as the order itself states, is “to protect its citizens from terrorist attacks, including those committed by foreign nationals.” The problem with the order, and the reason this author supposes for the massive protests and critiques, is that the order enacted won’t have enough of an effect on terrorism to offer any visible protection to American citizens.

To understand why this travel ban isn’t predicted to succeed, one must first understand exactly what exactly this “terrorism” the bill is meant to stop is. The word terrorism comes from the French word terrorisme, meaning “great fear or dread” and to “fill with fear or frighten.” The word terrorism itself is first used historically in reference to the Irish Revolution in 1798, where it gained its official definition of “the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion”.  The point is that this word etymologically focuses around fear, not bombs nor guns nor any type of physical threat.

This is where the travel ban fails to meet the country’s needs. The travel ban issued assumes that by limiting the amount of people entering the U.S. from Muslim countries, there will be fewer physical mass attacks in America. However, does this actually eliminate the fear that creates terrorism? Absolutely not. Rather, this piece is proposing that Executive Order 13796 needs to greatly expand the people affected by the travel ban. Along with that, it needs to be upgraded from a travel ban to a deportation ban, deporting ANYONE who poses even a possible threat to the systematic way in which the United States runs. Of course, systematic deportation is not a simple task, which is why it must commence immediately and with a powerful, yet attainable first goal. This author is proposing that America begins eliminating all of its fear by deporting the Teds.

“Who are the Teds?” you may be asking yourself. Well, the Teds are a group that is fairly easy to define. Teds are anyone who goes by the name Ted or Theodore. These men, the Teds that is, have been systematically instilling fear into our daily American lives for as far back as history can be recorded.

Why the Teds then? Why not the Johns or the Claires or the Marks? The answer is simple. People named Ted are objectively, from-every-perspective, historically, the worst group of people in America. They are responsible for a large amount of fear instilled into daily American life. Take, forexample, the American president Theodore Roosevelt, who was well known for his ‘big stick’ policy, in which he constantly carried around a big stick as a weapon to harm anyone who questioned him. The leader of the free nation carrying around a big stick all the time is essentially what created fear in America. Citizens couldn’t rest easy knowing that if they don’t live life according to the president’s code, they could wake up in the middle of the night being beaten with his weapon.

Or what about Ted Cruz? Ted Cruz received massive media attention in the 2016 election because his face was often called “weird” and punchable”. The problem isn’t only that his face is punchable, but also his name. People were scared because there was something obviously inhuman and worse than that, unAmerican to his Ted-based composure.

Then there’s the famous American serial killer, kidnapper, rapist, burglar, and necrophile Ted Bundy. His resume of heinous qualities is enough to point out that there is a strange phenomenon in America where people named Ted innately fight against everything America has built.

Besides these few (of thousands) of examples, Teds are essentially the definition of terrorism. There are somewhere between 200,000 and 300,000 people in the United States named Ted. After scouring through hundreds of city crime records and doing some hopefully accurate statistical analysis, I’ve come to the conclusion that of these Teds, over 11,000 of them performed some type of legal violation. These legal troubles could range anywhere from parking violations to attempted homicide, probably leaning towards the latter.  The method for determining this number is largely unimportant, as the Teds are clearly a threat to the United States, but here is a brief outline of it. First, I discovered the number of people in the United States named Ted using census based websites. Then, I accessed Pennsylvania’s census information and determined that there were around 2,000-4,000 people named Ted in the PA. From there, I discovered through Pennsylvania’s online court records that about 150 of these Teds had been involved in some type of legal/criminal-related matter. I then took the fraction of 150/4000 and discovered that 150/4000 meant that .0375 of the Teds in PA were included. I assumed that this fraction would apply for the whole nation, and therefore multiplied 300,000 (total number of Teds) by .0375 and discovered that about 11,000 Teds were involved in some type of legal-matter, and therefore were probably criminals. This logic is about on the same level of sane as people who fear being attacked by every single Muslim, so both should be valid.  The point is, these Teds are NOT the type of people who respect the rules of society, and should therefore be (tarred, feathered, and) banned.

Just to share one of what I’m sure are countless anecdotes about the wrath of the Teds, I’d like to share a personal story about Teds and how they’ve ruined my sense of safety as an American. Back in New York after my lovely neighbors Sue and John moved out, they sold their house to a man named Ted. Ted was a typical Ted. Pasty, a bit odd-looking, clearly bent on destroying American ideals. Anyway, one night I was hosting a small and respectable social gathering for a couple of friends.  Specifically, this social gathering was what I like to call a “flute-hound” party. Basically, I invite a small group of friends over and they all bring their dogs. In total, there’s usually around 8-9 dogs and around 10 people. I then distribute flutes to everyone at the party, even if they don’t know how to play flute. We then all try to play the flute which makes the dogs howl into the sky. It creates an excruciatingly beautiful noise. It usually lasts until 1AM. My neighbor Ted came over and basically threatened to destroy the sanctity of my household and my free speech if I didn’t end the party. He made up some clearly fake excuse about how “Ted Jr. has school and is trying to sleep.” What he essentially was doing was threatening to have his entire clan of Teds invade and destroy my household. “Ted Jr.” is probably an evil metaphor for the terrorist organizations of Teds. Teds clearly don’t believe in free-speech, another core American value.

I propose that the banning and elimination of Teds from the United States should, if done effectively, take President Donald John Trump right around 2 years. This means the process would end in 2019. In these two years, the president should begin to evaluate what the next most dangerous name in America is after Ted. Perhaps it is Macy, or Rylee, or Jake. Once sufficient research has been done, it will be easy to ban people of that name, as the experience from banning the Teds will have taught the government how to streamline the process. Eventually, an intense screening process will begin to determine which citizens are the largest embodiment of American values. This extreme screening process should limit itself to around 750,000 Americans, who, like President Donald John Trump, represent core American values. These selected Americans will then have their names legally changed to Donald (M) and Donella (F). From there, the United States of America will become the Donaldized Regions of America, and be divided into four sections (North Donald, South Donald, West Donald, and East Donald). This process should be completable by 2024, right as President Donald John Trump’s second term as president ends. Of course, the next elected leader will also be a proud Donald, and therefore there is nothing to fear for the future.

This is not only a plan to stop American terrorism, but a plan to bring America back to its former glory by eliminating those who don’t represent President Donald John Trump’s view of America. This is the best, most realistic, and greatest plan to fix Executive Order 13769 and save America from the gross amounts of terrorism it is dealing with.

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