The Ultimate Reader’s Guide to Apocalypse Looting

Okay, so say the apocalypse is definite. Yes, everything ends December 21st, 2012. You have mere days left to live. No big deal. Alright, cry it out for a few minutes. Feel better? Good. Now let’s change the rules again and say that you get to live. Yay! Now throw out that entire concept of a “moral compass” for a second. While all of society is in complete disarray, you have a beautiful opportunity: you get to loot whatever stores you want! Hey, no one else is going to be using that stuff, what with the end of the world and all–you might as well be the better person here and give it a good home (your own). Now, before you get carried away and start running into the nearest 7-11, you should remind yourself that there is a system to this awesomeness. Luckily for you, Loco Magazine is giving you the Ultimate Reader’s Guide to Apocalypse Looting. (But is in no way endorsing looting in “real life” at all…yeah.)

Step One: Materials

You’ll need a really big cargo van to make this a truly successful loot. Oh, and probably a few strong friends (who are also somehow immune to the end of the world). Perhaps a few flashlights so no one stubs their toe in the dark. While you’re at it, bring along your iPod so you can crank some good music to get pumped up. LMFAO or Nicki Minaj, maybe…and since it’s the end of the world, no one but your strong friends will judge you for playing a little Bieber. (Ew.) Oh, and some war paint, just because it will make you feel badass. Might as well make the situation as cool as humanly possible.

Step Two: The Essentials

Before you can think about anything else, you need to get the essentials. Now you can go to the nearest 7-11 / Wawa / Sheetz, or even better–Walmart. Grab all of the water you can find, and stock up on non-perishables with at least some sort of nutritional value. Be responsible and grab a radio as well, just in case this is a I Am Legend sort of situation. Then, go ahead and grab Doritos, Nutella, and the equivalent of Twinkies (may Hostess rest in peace). I repeat, no one will judge you except your strong friends.

Step Three: Entertainment

It’s the end of the world, so you’ll no longer have Jenna Marbles, the Jersey Shore cast, or Mitt Romney to entertain you. If your strong friends have no sense of humor, you’ll be getting very bored very quickly. Don’t test the phrase “bored to death.” Assuming you have a generator (come on, just go with it), electronics are the way to go. Head over to Game Stop, where you can grab your preferred console (-cough- PS3 -cough-) and whatever games you desire. You can even run over to F.Y.E. and get seasons of your favorite shows. Personally, I recommend Breaking Bad, Community, Game of Thrones and Adventuretime, for starters. You could even enrich your brain and head to Radioshack to grab a Kindle–but don’t forget to get as many Amazon gift cards as possible so you can buy any eBook you like.

Step Four: Appearances

How do all the characters in apocalypse movies look so good? It always frustrated me until it hit me—they loot the best fashion and cosmetic stores. Obviously, when all this is happening, you want to look fly. It adds to that aforementioned “cool as humanly possible” element.

There are a variety of beautiful, wonderful stores at your disposal, especially if you hit up your local mall. Hello, Coach! Can’t forget about Sephora. And to include the guys as well, there are of course stores such as Guess, Diesel, and H&M. This is all about personal taste, but don’t think that just because there will be barely any people left on the surface of the earth means you should walk around in a bathrobe and Crocs at all times. Dress well for yourself. Oh, and also, the re-population of the earth depends almost entirely on you. No pressure.

Step Five: Pimp Your Crib 

In case that got lost in translation, Step Five is all about taking a trip to the grand, mythical Ikea. Ever go into those fake rooms and pretend like it’s your house like in 500 Days of Summer? Now you don’t have to pretend, thanks to your boring strong friends, your cargo van, and the end of the world. Grab your favorite countertops, your dream shelves, that gorgeous lampshade, that awesome bean-bag chair that could probably fit several families on it. Heave it all into your cargo van and high-tail it to the nearest ridiculously-cool mansion.

Step Six: A Different Kind of Entertainment 

If you happen to be over 21, there is an entire other kind of entertainment that you might want to take advantage of. Maybe those boring strong friends will be more fun if you buy them some liquid courage. Run into the nearest Wine & Spirits and grab all your favorite…well…wines and spirits. Finally, all of those drink recipes you pinned on Pinterest will come in handy! Break out that shiny skirt you got from Forever 21 and put that lampshade you scavenged from Ikea on your head. Just try not to break all your new electronics in the process. Go crazy like it’s the end of the world. But again: only if you are over 21. Despite the fact that the end of the world means end of societal law…but this is all hypothetical.

Or is it? Guess we’ll find out come December. Happy looting (but not in real life), everyone!

Photography Credit: Clemens v. Vogelsang via Creative Commons license. 

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