Welcome to our Expert Advice column, where we gathered a team of Human Experts to give you the very best advice for all of your human problems. This month’s advice is on the subject of how to start over with a brand new life.
- Fake your own death.
- Leak secret U.S. files and flee to Russia.
- Burn your house down and go live in the wilderness.
- Build an underground shelter and start life anew as a degenerate.
- Drop out of school and use your tuition money to herd sheep in the mountains.
- Quit your job and learn to live as a goat.
- Get plastic surgery to look like a doll, and then move to Japan and disguise yourself as a live action anime character.
- Get an awful spray tan, become a billionaire and run for president.
- Release your pet snake into your suburban neighborhood.
- Decide to go off the grid, watching copious amounts of Bear Grylls to prepare. Decide that you don’t need to bring anything with you to your new life.
- Erase all references to your current self, including your birth certificate, passport, and social security card.
- Commit a felony, being a convict perpetually on the run will allow you to live the nomadic lifestyle you’ve always wanted!
- Move to North Korea.
- I hear Canada’s got free healthcare.
