13 Going on Thirsty


Thirteen Going on Thirsty Rules:  Just drink. Drink a lot.

A few weeks ago, some of the Loco Mag staff (plus one boyfriend) gathered around to watch 13 Going on 30. We also decided to drink a lot of wine. This is what happens when you combine booze, a childhood movie, and the hardened outlook of adulthood.

We decided to turn our little movie night into a drinking game or sorts. Over on the right are the rules (please note that this is an almost impossible feat, so those who are 21+, please drink responsibly and don’t even try to power hour through the whole “Thriller” dance scene because you will probably die). Here are a few standouts:

  • Drink until that rad 80s music is over
  • Anytime there’s glitter
  • Mark Ruffalo looks hot (basically drink always because that man is fine)
  • “Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving”
  • Every time you realize that you never want to be 13 again

It’s safe to say that those are a lot of rules. Do not do this. It did not end well, so learn from our mistakes. Now drink up!

Kara: This night is just an excuse to get drunk.
Megan: Getting drunk in the name of journalism.
Bri: I think it’s bad to start off with a power hour.
Brais: Who’s the Hulk in the movie?

Bri: No one has ever had a cloud as their school picture background
Kara: I never want to be 13 again.
Frances: Too much glitter.

Bri: Is THAT Ashley Bensen?
Frances: Teenagers should not happen.
Bri: [IMDB Check] That IS Ashley Bensen !!?
Kara: They wear crop-tops, Frances would fit in.
Kara: Mean girl looks like roommate’s friend
Frances: Popular girl looks like roommate’s friend.
Kara: They need feminism.
Brais: Is this a Mean Girls prequel?

Bri: 5 minutes in and I already think I’m not going to make it to the “Why Can’t I Breathe” montage.

Megan: What if someone hot made you a house? LIKE IN THE NOTEBOOK!
Bri: “I’ve been working on it for three weeks!” – Three weeks ain’t nothin’ broski. Noah took three years to build a house.

Frances: This kind of reminds me of my first kiss. I made out in a closet because someone told me to.

Bri: This is me every morning.
Kara: Who wears eye masks anymore?
Kara:…She also likes to hold her boobs a lot.
Frances: Jennifer has big lips. She got it from her mama.

Megan: He looks like a 2004 version of Carrie Underwood’s husband.
Bri: Yes, let me use this umbrella to fend off all the naked attackers.
Bri: What kind of nickname is Sweetbottoms?
Megan: “I can’t remember my life!”- College.

Bri: Poise has to be the worst name for a magazine because is that a name for pads, like what? Sparkle is a much better name for a magazine.
Frances: Poise. All I can think about is adult diapers.
Megan: But what if you woke up and you were friends with Madonna?!

[Frances and Brais discuss when to cross the street in NYC in length] Brais: You must wait for the signal!
Frances: No. Go whenever.
Brais: Signal!
Frances: No.

Brais: HULK!
Megan: “You’re tall, you’re different”… YOU’RE THE HULK

[“I Wanna Dance With Somebody” plays in background] Bri: I sang this song for my 6th grade talent show
Bri: I am scarred for life

Megan: “You want to see my ID? I totally have it.”  – Jenna just turned 21.
Bri: That looks tasty. I want one.
Megan: She’s drunk. But she can still walk down the stairs. How.

Frances: Her boobs are flicking around
Bri: Richard is totally staring at her jiggly boobs
Megan: Richard is definitely a vampire.

Kara: Her trying to flirt with a 13 year old is yucky
Frances: RAPE. Law and Order. SVU. Gross.

Kara: Fiancé looks like Jenna
Bri: Do you realize he’s dating you, I mean you guys look exactly the same, that’s so creepy.
Megan: Matt’s fiancé is Jennifer Garner doppelganger. Also looks like a fish.
Bri: I’m sorry but no one with the name Wendy under the age of 35 can be your soulmate
Brais: [No longer paying attention]

Frances: OMG, weird ass striptease. Stop.
Bri: Who the f**k strips to “Ice Ice Baby”?

Kara: I spy a Chilton uniform
Megan: Becky has been GILMORED
Bri: Never ever ever have I felt the desire to put chopsticks in my hair. She looks like a tarantula.

[At this point in the evening, Kara leaves to go sleep. One down. Four more to go.]

Megan: 2 B OR NOT 2 B
Megan: Also, Bri has fruit roll ups.
Bri: This scene makes me so sad. Let’s drink.

Bri: Even the closet has the same shit in it 17 years later! Has no one heard of garage sales?
Megan: Jennifer Garner = cute duck.
Bri: Give me pancakes. Give me freckles. Give me more montages.

[“Why Can’t I Breathe” by Liz Phair plays in background of photo-taking montage] All: “WHYYYY CAN’T I BREATHE”
Bri: …because I’ve had a whole bottle of wine?
Frances: Deep thoughts on nostalgia. Where was I in 2001?
Brais: You were waiting for me to come into your life.

Frances & Brais: SEX HULK SMASH

[Epic “Love is a Battlefield” slumber party dance scene] Megan: WE ARE YOUNG
Bri: LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD…. you are damn right it is
Frances: Battlefield. How corny.

Bri: “Heroin chic. Cause of death? Chicness” – Oh wow, you’ve sold me.
Frances: Gothic is so cool 2004. Middrifts….were so cool. Center parts are coming back.
Bri: Maybe the first thing they should do is change the name Poise.

Megan: Nostalgia does not make a magazine.
Bri: Wear a bra, Jenna. It won’t kill ya.

Bri: “The cutest little backyard wedding since I don’t know when!” – Since Four Weddings BITCH.

Bri: We’ve all dated that one guy who will turn into a cab driver.

Bri: Yes, let me just hide behind these flowers. Ok. Sure. That’s an A+ hiding spot. Nancy Drew would be so proud of you.

Frances: What she should do is patent the iPhone.
Megan: Look, she came out of the closet.

Frances: The original selfie.

Frances: Ugly pink houses.
Brais: So the key to success is being a bitch?
Brais: It was shitty. No one even got punched. What kind of movie is this?

Screencaps credited to kissthemgoodbye.net .

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