I don’t talk.
Well I do to a degree, but it’s usually only if I have to. I find myself living more in my head as time goes on, and I often forget that I’m actually supposed to be talking. I’ve found that the longer I go without talking, the more I don’t want to do it at all. There are too many expectations. Like I can’t be too boring, too awkward, or weird, but most of the time that’s exactly how I feel.
These days I’ve been reflecting more on my social skills, or lack thereof more than ever. I guess a lot of it comes down to judgment and how I’m viewed, but everything is temporary, so why should I care so much if I don’t know the right words to say? Or if I have nothing more to contribute to a conversation besides a few ‘oh’s’ here and there and some head nods. Not everything is the end of the world, and I’m trying to get into the mindset where I actually believe that.
On average I talk to around two to three people a day, not counting the common courtesy thank yous and pleases – I’m somewhat mute but I still have manners. And I’m talking about actual one-on-one conversations too, not when I’m with a group and expected to say something. I want to get more personal with it. That’s why I decided to do a little self-imposed social experiment. My goal: go out and talk to people.
For seven days I attempted to talk to more than two people, and I made sure to keep note of how I felt throughout the whole ordeal. Just for funsies. So join me as I very briefly recall my attempt at maxing my word count – wordmaxxing, if you will.
Day 1: Right off the bat I woke up feeling extremely dreadful that I was doing this.
Up until around noon, I hadn’t spoken a single word. The first conversation I found myself in was one that I didn’t start, and it caught me off guard. It was brief and felt really awkward, but I felt a weird moment of clarity afterwards, and not just because it was over. I had realized that even if my convos go astray, I’ll still walk away physically okay (mentally I was spiraling).
In order to go out and talk, I needed to stop dwelling on every little thing. Not everything matters. By the end of the day, I had talked to a total of four people, which isn’t much, but more than I usually do!
I did realize one important thing about all of this though, I’m not even sure how to start having a conversation with someone – this is something I’ll need to work on as the days progress.
Day 2: My optimism may have been guiding my judgement a little too much on how well this would all go.
My conversations today were extremely brief, and by the time the day was over I wanted to crawl under my bed and hide from everyone and everything. I talked to around four people again, but it was all fluff. Just a few comments here and there that fell flat and ended up going nowhere.
I’m still trying to figure out how to just start talking. I get you just go up to someone and do it but like, what do I say? What if they don’t want to talk? There’s too many sweats. Oh well, I’ll see how tomorrow goes!
Day 3: Wow. Just wow.
Have I gone above and beyond folks. I spoke to a whopping six people today! I’m feeling on top of the world right now. I’m not even sure how it happened, but it felt like the blood of a thousand extroverts was coursing through my veins. I was feeling pretty, pretty good.
It seemed like the more people I talked to, the easier it was (very shocking). The less I thought about everything the more I talked.
I’m not sure if this slight success will continue, but we shall see.
Day 4: What a fast fall from the top.
I only spoke to four people again. I’m getting a little better at keeping the conversations flowing though. Usually, I just drop out of a conversation if I don’t know what to say, but in two instances today I prevailed. Asking the other person a bunch of questions helps me in the sense that I talk more, but also get to talk less because I can just stand there and listen.
Day 5: Ironically, I talked to five people.
Today was the point where everything kind of feels like it’s settling into place. Almost like a mindpoint. I realized I stopped trying to look for new people to converse with and just started talking to the same people I have been this entire time.
I have safe people now, people I know I can talk to and not worry too much. Most of my day was spent with these people, but I don’t want to fall into a hole and not broaden my conversational options. The thought of scouting out new people to talk to almost makes me feel the dread I felt the first day I started all of this.
Despite all of this, I was able to have a less awkward conversing day than usual. I think I’m getting a little more comfortable with other people.
Day 6: You’ll never guess how many people I spoke to today…
I thought I did well on day three with six people, but I went above and beyond today and spoke to seven people! I stepped further out of my comfort zone and tried talking to a few new people today. I’ve found that my approach has gotten infinitely better. I used to have an internal battle on whether or not I should talk to someone, but now there’s a lot less doubt. And most of my conversations today weren’t all too awkward either, which is a major plus and more than I could ask for.
I think I’m realizing that talking to people isn’t as big a deal as I try to make it seem. I’m starting to just go with the flow and embrace it all.
Day 7: I’m not ending on a high note, but a relatively comfortable one.
Today is the last day of my social experiment, and I feel immense joy at this. I do notice a slight difference in the way I think about talking to people compared to day one – I’m much more willing. My heart doesn’t seem to beat as fast when I approach someone, but I do still tend to overthink it.
The conversations I had today were all pretty brief. I think I just started to make it a thing where I would talk to someone, and check a mental box off. I’d think, one person down, how many more to go? I ended up talking to four people again today, and at this point it seems to be my lucky number.
Now that it’s all over, I worry I might revert back to my old ways and start not talking again. It feels so nice thinking back to when I would just go about my day keeping to myself, but there are so many opportunities and people that I can miss because of my fear of people.
I don’t want this self induced test to be all for nothing. It’s already taught me that the only thing stopping me from talking is myself (a crazy revelation, I know). But my social skills are already sub zero, so I got a little taste at what life can actually be like when I get out of my head. And I must admit, it’s a little liberating. I’ve been caring too much about things that shouldn’t need to be cared about, and talking was one of them. I’ve been floating around like an extra waiting for my line to be given to me, when this whole time I could have been taking control. What a revelation this has all been.
I’m not the biggest fan of emotional or sappy stuff, so I think it’s best I end this here before I get into the root of my semi-mute self and do a deep dive into where and when it all started. Just like my conversations, I’ve kind of run out of things to say anyways.
So, I’m proud to announce that this officially concludes my wordmaxxing social experiment. I’ll talk to you later, maybe (probably not).
