Have you ever been a teenage girl? Have you ever fallen head over heels for a beautiful, dreamy, irresistible group of boys? Yes, you have. I know you. Be honest.
Boy bands are the backbone of America, specifically the America of the 1990s, 2000s, and briefly in the 2010s, as well. So, it’s only natural that they are subject to parody. It is not hard to parody the boy band, with their stereotypical pandering, fan service, glitz, glam, and jams. And, of course, I eat it up every damn time. I remember watching Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016) and feeling it actively shape the folds of my brain. The songs, the drama, the obsession, all of it.
Today, I will specifically be looking at cartoon boy bands. Of all the mediums to do it, cartoons execute them so effortlessly and fantastically. To the point where some of them have even created core memories in my psyche. So, here is my official ranking of cartoon boy bands that I can think of off the top of my head. Strap in, girl.
5. Party Posse from The Simpsons (S12 E14: “New Kids on the Blecch”)
“There’s trouble in a far-off nation / Time to get into love formation!”
Party Posse, a band composed of Bart, Milhouse, Nelson, and my son Ralph Wiggum, is in last because it is just propaganda. It is also the band that inspired this piece. As I write, the episode after that one is playing.
Despite its placement, this one has left a lasting impression on me because of certain song lyrics of theirs. Like I stated before, Party Posse was created in order to be propaganda. Specifically, Naval recruitment propaganda, unbeknownst to the members. The reason this band has imprinted itself into my brain is that at some point in my formative years, this episode taught me the meaning of subliminal messaging. The ad-lib “Yvan Eht Nioj” (which is “Join the Navy” backwards, obviously) gets stuck in my head at least once a month, and that is at the very least. I kid you not, this episode haunts me. During my watch through of The Simpsons (which started out of enjoyment and has only recently continued out of determination to see how far I can go), I saw the episode come up in autoplay and feel a sense of relief. This episode does exist, and finally I can see this episode as an adult.
It was ok. It was an ok episode. The music wasn’t even top tier in terms of boy band music. I don’t know, I felt let down. I get it was propaganda, but come on, try a little harder. Make me remember more than one line. “Drop Da Bomb” is their best work, easily. I wish Ralph had more time to shine. It isn’t the kids’ fault this cartoon boy band is so lackluster. Stop blaming the children, won’t someone please stop blaming the children!!
Sev’ral Timez from Gravity Falls (Debut Episode S1 E17: “Boyz Crazy”)
Creggy G., Greggy C., Leggy P., Chubby Z., and Deep Chris take Gravity Falls fans on a fun ride through their journey to freedom, but their music falls flat compared to the other bands on this list. There is not enough of the song “Cray Cray” to form much of an opinion. That said, the episode is a blast. Any Mabel-centric episode is sure to be so, so fun.
The Sev’ral Timez members are all clones trapped by an evil record label. They are the epitome of boy band stereotypes. Their story is one of tragedy and hope, as they are rescued from an evil band manager who clones them and forces them into a life of boy band performances. They are rescued by Mabel, one of Gravity Falls’ main characters, only to be unintentionally held captive by her, as well. They write her a song about how grateful they are to her for saving them and also making sure to tell her everything she is doing that seems very kidnapper-y. She realizes her errors and releases them to the wild. I wasn’t aware that the tame, neuter, release process worked on boy band clones as well as cats, so this was interesting!
Like I said, we don’t hear much music from the group, which is unfortunately what makes them so low on the list. Sorry you were basically kept as little boy band pets and were forced to do silly dances and songs, but I want to hear the songs too! It is so wildly unfair. I am actually punching the walls of my house. This is the worst day of my life. I don’t think I can finish this article.
Boys Who Cry from Spongebob Squarepants (Debut Episode S4 E71a: “Whale of a Birthday”)
“It’s all about you girl / On your sixteenth birthday!”
I am ok and normal now.
This is a classic cartoon boy band. Slightly below the fame of solo boy band performer Chip Skylark (if he is not a band, do I just call him boy?) from Fairly Odd Parents, Boys Who Cry is remembered for their stay in an iconic childhood television show for people my age. I remember seeing this episode and having it make its way into my child mind forever, unmoving and forever singing.
The premise of the episode centers around teenage whale Pearl wanting to see the band for her sixteenth birthday and the series of events that lead up to them appearing at her father’s place of “work” (I say “work” because Eugene Krabs doesn’t do shit at the Krusty Krab, that greedy red fuck).
Their sixteenth birthday ballad is incredibly memorable and catchy. Everyone who saw the episode was sent the link to the song on their own sixteenth birthday as a rite of passage. It holds such a special place in the hearts of a generation. This one goes out to those kids whose parents didn’t let them watch Spongebob: I hope you feel alienated and isolated from the best of us. Kneel before me, you’re nothing.
My only complaint? We didn’t hear Boys Who Cry themselves sing “When I Cry”. We only heard it from Squidward. He did a fine job, but I would love to hear the original. Just a little sad that I was robbed of that song, is all.
Boyz 12 from American Dad! (Debut Episode S8 E3: “Can I be Frank With You?”)
“Girl, you’re gonna feel a little prick”
I cannot believe Boyz 12 was just the B plot of this episode. I wish, I wish Boyz 12 had more time in the sun. The A plot of this episode is just yet another example of how Stan Smith does not in his entire LIFE deserve Francine. Hang out with your wife!! I don’t want a speech; I want action taken to spend more time with your lovely wife!
Boyz 12 is the combination of 3 separate boy bands into one super boy band. An incredibly bold and powerful move in the boy band scene. They only had a single song, “You Need a Shot (of B12 (Boyz 12))”, and it is so incredibly memorable. A song with 3 separate introduction sections for each of the 12 boys is genius and the chorus makes its way into my conscious mind at least once every other day. Another key point to this song’s success is Steve Smith, whose vocals absolutely drive this song home. He is a powerhouse among the boys. If it wasn’t obvious, my bias is Steve. Let me know yours!
Unironically, this song fucks. I know nothing about music production, but I feel like this song was very well produced. And if I am wrong about that, don’t tell me. I prefer to live in ignorant bliss. Not a week goes by where I do not think about this band and their single song. The true definition of a one hit wonder in every sense of the word. Which makes the emergence of competing boy band Boyz 13 and the ultimate and quick downfall of Boyz 12 so tragic. I did need a shot of B12…sigh…
Boyz4Now from Bob’s Burgers (Debut Episode S3 E21: “Boyz 4 Now”)
“When I see you, I fall apart / Like a zombie / I got too nervous to ask you out / To the prom-bie”
Boyz4Now is what every parody of a boy band wishes they could be. They have the soundtrack, the lore, the drama, the fanbase, they have everything. Oh my god, can we talk about Boyz4Now??
Bob’s Burgers has always delivered when it comes to songs. There is no other adult cartoon doing it like them and I mean that with all of my heart. The songs performed by Boyz4Now are no exception. Unlike other bands on this list, they have multiple songs. Also, unlike the other bands on this list, this band is a recurring theme in several episodes of the show, including new updates on songs, members, and drama. There is a whole episode surrounding one of the members leaving and the divide it creates among superfans. When I said they had the drama, I meant it.
They have multiple songs, so I can declare a favorite for this band. My favorite song from Boyz4Now is easily “I Love You So Much (It’s Scary)”. There are not enough Halloween songs on this Earth, and I am so grateful they made it. It is genuinely so catchy and fun; I would probably be going crazy if I saw them live and this banger came on. Just another hit from Bob’s Burgers. And it isn’t even the focus of the episode! They did not have to go as hard as they did, but I am so grateful.
That about wraps up my official boy band ranking. I hope everyone enjoyed it and also agrees with everything I said, as that is the point of everything I ever say or write. Listen to all of these songs if you’re cool. I will be in a boy band one day. So next time you see me, I’ll be on stage winking at you, girl.
Featured image credits to Nickelodeon
