This may be political. This may get me hate. Is this going to be my first cancellation on the internet? If so, so be it. I stand by my opinions, and I know my experiences are valid. I have been hurt and taken advantage of. By real life people, yes, but most IMPORTANTLY by a select group of villagers from the game franchise Animal Crossing. And now? I am going to expose each and every one of them.
Now listen, the Animal Crossing franchise is one of my favorite gaming franchises. It is a life simulation game about creating and managing a town full of cute and adorable animals, in which you become friends with your neighbors all to better the town you created. I have met some outstanding, beautiful, altruistic individuals throughout all three of my towns throughout the franchise, plus the mobile game. Bones, and Bluebear, you guys are my ride or die, this article is not about you babes.
Disagree with me if you want, I know everyone has their own sides to every story and I respect that. But that won’t stop me from talking mad shit about Butch, Stu, and Flurry. It is finally time to share my story.
My beef with Butch started on my first town in the latest game in the franchise, Animal Crossing: New Horizons. This town resided on a quaint and charming island called Adelaide. In the beginnings of Adelaide, it seemed to be becoming nothing short of paradise, as Mr. Tom Nook told me himself. I have brunch with him on Wednesdays and we talk. This was the case until Butch the dog decided to buy the only plot of land open on my island. When Butch first touched down in Adelaide, everything was peachy keen. Until his true colors started to show. Being cranky by nature does not excuse the unlawful and heinous actions you about to hear that he has done.
Butch became friendly with my neighbor Phoebe, a stunning ostrich who sat next to me on the plane ride to Adelaide, before the island even had a name. Phoebe is my baby girl, my bestie. So, IMAGINE my horror when I walk out of my house and see my girl Phoebe stomping and fuming, smoke literally coming out of her poor ears. I drop what I’m doing and immediately run to her. To my dismay and disgust, Phoebe recounts for me that she had invited Butch over to her house to welcome him to the island with a nice dinner. Phoebe worked her ASS off to cook her signature baked ziti, a recipe that she has shown me many times before so I know how much love she put into it. As soon as Butch took a bite of her meal, he spat it
out and told her it was “not to his taste.” He said it tasted like “day-old buttermilk.”
He is a serial killer I am pretty sure. Going back to the scene of the crime, relishing in his victim’s demise.
EXCUSE YOU? EX-FUCKING CUSE YOU? I was outraged, to get to the bottom of this I went and confronted Butch, who was moaning and groaning outside our island clothing store. He said that there was no way that Phoebe could be so irritating and that she probably took classes! ABSOLUTELY NOT. The next day, I saw Butch and Phoebe doing their morning aerobics together, and decided that I supported my girl and that’s all I could do. I tend to see the good in others and this was my fatal mistake. Not even a WEEK later, but Butch does the same exact thing to the man that was sitting across from me on the first plane ride to Adelaide, Benjamin the dog. Maybe Butch was jealous that he couldn’t be the best dog on the island, that he couldn’t be the island’s golden boy? I have no idea. All I know is that Butch insulted Benjamin’s apple cobbler and that his kind gesture irritated him. That was the end. I made a sign in front of Butch’s house that said CANCELLED in big red letters. He was gone within the next few days. But, water under the bridge, I guess. If I do see him walking down the street, don’t blame me for bringing out my net to smack a bitch.
Next up to the chopping block is a blue bull named Stu. Stu was the first villager to ever tour and visit Adelaide via the stunning campsite I built with my own wood and money. Stu seemed wonderful the first time we met. A common pattern with me here is that I am too trusting, my therapist tells me that sometimes. Anyway, for Stu’s entire stay on my island, he raved. No complaints. Loved the scenery, loved the people, and supposedly loved me. It was not even five days until he told me he was moving. Mans could not get his ass out fast enough. I was FLOORED. I gave him my hospitality, I built him a garden in his front yard. Thinking back on this situation, I can’t remember a time that Stu talked to me about another villager. Except for none other than Benjamin. What rubbed me the wrong way, was the fact that Butch and Stu lived right next to each other before Butch was excommunicated from Adelaide. Benjamin had come to me in the past seemingly defeated because Stu has told Benjamin that he eats too much. Oh, so now this bull is ugly and shames people for their size? The next day after Benjamin told me this, there were no evidence that Stu was ever here. He packed up and left. He was LUCKY I was so upset that I couldn’t even confront him like I did with ass-wipe Butch. He ran away like the coward he is. Good riddance.
The best day of my life photographed in full color.
Now this last piece of beef I have is the one that will get me in trouble, but I can’t stay silent anymore. I need to tell you all about the “adorable” hamster Flurry’s two-faced and hypocritical behavior. A new island town had been formed by a good friend of mine, and this island was named “Fartland”, tastefully so. On this island, lives still to this day Flurry. The day I had planned to visit Fartland, was the day a birthday party was being held for Flurry. I thought to myself that I have been in the position of trying to put together an island community from scratch. I’m going to do what I need to do to spread positivity and love to ALL. I knock on Flurry’s door, dressed in the appropriate party dress attire, ready to get just a little shitfaced, holding a birthday gift in my hand. This gift, was a stunning collection of mini potted cactuses. What else would be so wonderful than to bring an item to light up a person’s home that reminds you of them. And these plants, healthy and vibrant, reminded me of Flurry. Or should I say, who I THOUGHT was Flurry. I give Flurry her present, and she was so appreciated, she broke down crying, saying how I had just met her yet I know exactly what she liked. She was so appreciative in fact, that she GIFTED me, on HER BIRTHDAY, a gorgeous olive-green coat. And yes, it was Gucci. After doing a few jello shots and dancing the night away, I left that party so grateful for my new friend. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that the next day, Flurry had regifted the present I gave her. To who? To a unicorn at the party named Julian. Julian, feeling terrible for what has just occurred, snitches to the owner of Fartland about Flurry’s crime. Was Flurry jealous of me and Julian? Did she feel that the connection that me and him formed was stronger than ours? Was her hangover getting to her? If I’ve learned anything from the drama, I have learned to just walk away and not let negativity surround me.
Me and *vomits* Flurry, wearing my “Gucci” coat
The moral of the story goes as such. Some friendships are forever, and some break. It is a natural part of growing through life. You will have good experiences and bad experiences with friends, but the TRUE ones will always find a way to work things out. I wish no ill will to Butch, Stu, and Flurry. I hope wherever they are that they are happy. However, if any of you three ever DARE to cross my path again, the next plot of land that will be for sale will be your grave site. Try me, bitches. Don’t fuck with me, the island representative.
Featured image credited to Felipe Vieira via Unsplash.
