Why is pursuing an artform “a phase” until you succeed? Grace and I have actively followed our dreams of creating against all sorts of adversity, but why? Does the adversity weed out the less invested individuals, does it provide artists with criticisms to be used in the future, or is it simply an unnecessary roadblock that deters many from following their hearts? These aren’t really questions that we can answer. However, we have both experienced our fair share of complications and hardships along the way, and we have not given up our art despite them. Sorry, but this is not “just a phase”.
I hated poetry growing up. My teachers would wheel out the overhead projector to show us exactly how to format and structure a haiku or another basic poem. 5-7-5 was hammered into my brain just as hard as the multiplication tables. We were graded on how well we could follow that structure, not based on the creativity or sound that was produced in the piece. That is not what poetry should be. Of course, nothing beautiful was created from that restriction and I developed a resentment towards poetry before I knew what it was.
It wasn’t until my senior year of high school that my English teacher finally showed me the truth. Hearing that a poetry unit was coming had me filled with dread, ready to take a huge hit on my grade because I couldn’t follow the structure that I needed to. However, this one was different. Instead of writing a poem, we were told to recite one.
I was assigned “The Word” by Pablo Neruda (translated by Stephen Mitchell). Every day, my teacher would talk to us individually about our assigned poem. What did it mean? Why are certain words used and others not? Why does it matter? I found myself digging deeper and deeper into these questions, exploring literary devices, techniques, and structures that are far different than the 5-7-5 lines that I was taught all my life. I was always stuck on a single stanza of the piece, and to this day the lines are still tattooed on the inside of my brain:
Later on, meaning fills the word.
It stayed pregnant and was filled with lives,
everything was births and sounds:
affirmation, clarity, strength,
negation, destruction, death:
the name took on all the powers
and combined existence with essence
in its electric beauty.
Meaning did not only fill the word, but it also filled my young heart with purpose and wonder. I was always a dreamer, but this gave me something very specific to believe in and pursue. Along the way though, I faced a lot of criticism from both friends and family members. I was told that if I went to college majoring in writing I wouldn’t make any money or that I was making a huge life mistake. Months and months of confrontations or people snickering around me was hard to fight through as a teen who was just trying to figure it all out. However, did it change anything? Not even close.
I went and majored in creative writing and met some incredible people that were around to support these dreams of mine. I read The Triggering Town by Richard Hugo as a freshman and yet again, I was introduced to an entirely new world of poetry. Hugo taught me to just write. His lessons in the art of not giving a fuck piggybacked on that hatred for strict poetry structures. He explained, “Assuming you can write clear English sentences, give up all worry about communication. If you want to communicate, use the telephone.” He’s right! From here I just wrote what I wanted to, what I needed to, and I have continued to do so since.
Since then, I have heard millions of different reasons why poetry isn’t for me. Things like, “It’s just a way to get over heartbreak, it’ll pass,” “He’ll give up when it gets monotonous,” “What does this even mean?” or “It’s just not good enough,” I’ve heard it all at this point. It’s frustrating for sure, but at the end of the day, it really doesn’t change anything. The world that we live in is scary enough to live in as is, every one of us deserves support to pursue what we love, no matter what. There should be no reason for family or friends to put down others’ dreams based on their opinions of them. It just makes the journey harder, but you know what they say, nothing worth doing is ever easy.
My good friend Grace is an incredible musician who is beginning to get out in the world as the artist she is. Her and I share in the fact that we have faced our fair share of deterrents and overcome them to keep working with what we love. Fortunately for everyone, Grace has continued fighting and has some amazing songs/covers to show for it.
“It’s not a phase, man…” How many times have you felt like saying this to your parents or peers? It’s crossed my mind plenty of times. What the doubters don’t realize is that this “phase” that us dreamers go through has the potential to blossom into something magical, we just have to take that next step.
Part of the risk is ignoring the doubts or discouraging comments from those around us and trusting our mind, heart and soul. Imagine that moment just before jumping in a pool. Yes, it’s going to be uncomfortably cold at first. Your teeth may chatter, and your skin may turn blue, but in a few minutes, the chills will settle. Before you know it, you’re playing mermaids with your friends or creating the giant whirlpool of your dreams. At some point you had to stop twiddling your thumbs and just jump in. And look how much fun you ended up having in that pool anyway. It was worth it. That’s life man; life is a giant swimming pool (bear with me, just go with it).
Music has always been one of my favorite parts about life. There’s a genre, an artist, album, or even a specific song for any mood or circumstance I’m in. I grew up listening to 90s alternative/rock, bands like Matchbox 20 or Lifehouse. Whenever I hear this type of music, I am taken back to my childhood like a flash of light. The nostalgia is real, and it’s always linked with a beautiful memory of being young: no responsibilities or fears. I’m convinced music is the closest thing to magic. The way it lifts my mood, fuels my desires, and brings light to the darkness of life is unlike anything I have ever experienced before.
Middle school is where I developed my own personal taste in music. Was this taste very tasteful? Well, let’s just say it all started with trying out for the middle school musical for the first time. From this moment forward, I was reborn as your typical showtune-loving, break-out-into-song theater nerd. If you can’t imagine this type of person, then you’ve been saved by the bell.
Don’t get me wrong, theater was the sole love of my life up until my senior year of high school. It brought me musical knowledge, lifelong friendships, and pure bliss. However, I’m now realizing how exhausting it was to be a theater kid with high hopes. I was simultaneously dreaming of being on a Broadway stage while also being crippled by the comparisons and the competition between those around me. There was always someone better than me, always someone more deserving of my role. It was equally soul-fulfilling as it was heart-shattering.
You may be wondering what happened to my love of theater after high school. The truth is, it didn’t change. To this day I can and will sing any Dear Evan Hansen song without missing one lyric if you ask me to. Actually, I would do it even if you didn’t ask me to. Nevertheless, I would be lying if I said the comparisons and doubts from others didn’t get to me. Essentially, there was only one path to follow in the world of theater and finding a job in the industry: moving to the big city. I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t prepared with the proper training to advertise myself and get my name out there. And did I really want to be famous? I spent a year of my life after high school undecided and drowning in student debt, asking myself questions just like these until I was burnt out.
Spring of 2020, just like the rest of the world, I was feeling more lost than ever before. Was my passion and love for theater just a phase? Was I ever going to “find myself” or was that just something people say to sound interesting and mysterious when in reality we are all victims to the norms of society? The answer is yes. Theater may have been a phase of my life, but that doesn’t mean I love it any less. That doesn’t mean it has shaped me any less or didn’t have a huge impact on me. I don’t know when I’ll get on a stage again in full costume and makeup, and I’m finally okay with that. You know what was never a phase though? Music.
Just like Ryan, I’ve heard everyone else’s thoughts or opinions on what direction my life should go in. After hearing them for so long, they started to become my own thoughts until I was convinced that I wasn’t talented at all. It wasn’t until the last few months of 2020 that I started believing in myself again. My friend at a local burger joint noticed how down I was feeling, and he asked me and a few coworkers to meet after work to play some music. He wanted me to be the singer. At first, I was hesitant, I doubted my own abilities and hadn’t sung anywhere other than my shower for over a year. However, being out of school for a gap year and with extensive free time on my hands, I decided to just go.
Boy am I glad I did. Today, my band and I have learned to play over thirty songs together and are planning gigs when the world opens up. I picked up an acoustic guitar for the first time in November of 2020, something I’ve dreamed of doing for a long time, and now I play along on electric guitar to songs like “Comfortably Numb” and “Rockin’ in the Free World.” I have broadened my horizons. I sing “My Hero” by the Foo Fighters with a raspiness that 8th grade Grace would have never believed came from her own voice. I jumped into the cold pool. Yes, it was uncomfortable and unsettling at first. But the chills are starting to settle, and the fun is just beginning.
As my music knowledge grows, I’m also more inclined to try songwriting or using old poetry as a template for my own music. I’m learning every day. I’m listening to my gut and attempting to drown out the doubts of those around me. Do they get stuck in my head still? All the time. Do I compare myself to anyone and everyone around me who can sing or play music? Double yes. Triple yes. But it’s all about the journey.
The phases I went through, all the hills and valleys, have led me to where I am today. I know music isn’t a phase, just like poetry isn’t a phase for Ryan. These are things that will stick with us and fuel our hearts and minds for the rest of our lives. Our personalities or interests may have changed, but these things remain constant. These are things that no one can take us away from, no matter how hurtful their words or opinions may be. The pool is finally the perfect temperature. You should join us…
