Drunk Review of Car Brands

Back again with another review session except this time I’m under the influence of Rum and Red Bull (DO NOT DO THIS). I’ll be reviewing some car brands because I know everything about cars, disregarding the fact I don’t have my driver’s license. Why am I qualified you ask—-well for one I am the champion of the childhood game “name that car” with an undefeated score of 88 Teslas and 45 Toyota Priuses on a bus to New York. For this review I’ll be delegating points to each brand based on certain criteria: style, functionality, reliability, would I buy it, and is it hot girl summer approved. At the end, I’ll also name my top choices for cars I would definitely buy if I had a license. But who needs a license when I already know how to drive the handicap carts from Walmart? Now because I am not currently in a sober state, this list is based off of me playing “name that car” while waiting outside a McDonald’s on Broad street. I’ll also tally the amount of cars from each brand I saw. 

Now if you’re a car guru looking at my list with utter disappointment and anger: get over it. My qualifications far exceed your expectations or actual experience with motor vehicles. Now I will admit I have some bias towards a few brands like Mercedes Benz, Buick, and Jeeps because I have experience sitting in them. But I also have experience being in every vehicle on this list thanks to my Uber track record. From here I’ll take a few cars from my list and write a detailed review of them, with justification for my ratings. 

Jeep

3/10

Super ugly, always seen at a car shop or Craigslist, not hot girl approved.

Chevy

7.65/10

Super pretty, hot girl approved, 50/50 on reliability. 

Tesla

1/10

Ugly, overpriced and overhyped. 

Chrysler

-1000/10 ALWAYS at a junkyard or craigslist, super ugly and dirty, should be extinct  

Ford

1/10

Didn’t know they made anything that wasn’t a truck. They’re terrible.

Hyundai

7/10

Hot girl approved, pretty and clean, super technology based but points taken off because they’re easy to steal.

Kia

6.5/10

Same as Hyundai but that Kia Soul gets minus points. 

Nissan

2/10

Any Nissan made before 2016 is ugly as hell, dirty, covered in smoke and noisy. 

Land Rover

Who in their right mind would buy a Land Rover? Impractical, overpriced, and always in the shop. If you want a luxury car buy a Lexus. 

Now I will give my top list of cars I would buy if I had the legal documentation for operating a motor vehicle in the state of Pennsylvania. 

– Toyota Camry, Corolla, Prius any model after 2010

– Honda Accord, Civic or CRV any model after 2010

– Chevy Malibu, Equinox 2012–2016 model

– Hyundai Elantra 2012-2019 model