Sex. One of, if not, THE most prone-to-accident activities ever. We’ve all been there, and it’s nice to know you aren’t alone in these sexual mishaps. From blood to bondage (and everywhere in between) humor is ever-present. So without further ado, here are some truly embarrassing sex stories.
- (Febreze only masks odors)
“So my roommate hooked up with this guy who she thought looked familiar that she met on Tinder. She didn’t realize until she got into his dorm (in another building across campus) that he was an RA and that was why he looked familiar. Mid-hookup he febrezed his dick because his ex girlfriend told him it always smelled bad. After that, she got dressed and left.”
- Leg-endary.
“It was the first time me and my boyfriend were having sex, and he was trying to make me the most comfortable. In the midst of things, his prosthetic leg fell off. I didn’t even notice until I heard him suction it back on.”
- A “hole” lot of awkward.
“My ex girlfriend and I were in the middle of some very intense activities when the worst possible thing that could’ve happened happened. She was bottoming, as usual, and got a little too into it. Unfortunately, she bucked her hips at the worst possible moment because my fingers ended up in the wrong hole. (So she says.) All I heard was an audible gasp and ‘What the FUCK?’ in a very angry tone. It was 0-100 in like 2 seconds.”
- A new meaning to “blood, sweat, and tears…”
“Once I was hooking up with a guy and accidentally elbowed him in the face. He got a bloody nose, and that was the end of that.”
- C’(ondo)mon, guys. A plastic bag??
“When I was in high school I had a long term boyfriend and was ready to lose my virginity to him. One night we were hooking up, and I asked if he had a condom and if he wanted to have sex (he lost his virginity before me, so he was ready whenever I was and was being super nice and respectful about it— but was certainly excited for whenever it would happen). He replied ‘Uhhh I don’t have one,’ and then we just awkwardly finished hooking up. Also, once a guy didn’t have a condom and I said I wouldn’t have sex with him unless he did, and he offered to use a plastic bag because boys are dumb.”
- There’s lotion for that. I hope.
“So I was hooking up with my current boyfriend for the first time. Both of us were a bit high and got a bit carried away while dry humping. He said his dick started burning then we checked and I gave him dick rug burn. It hurt and he had a mark for a couple of days. Somehow he was down to see me again and now we are 3 months strong.”
- Should have been a nurse instead…
“So I was with my neighbor in my apartment after a long night out and he was very into BDSM but being submissive. I had a few drinks, but was clearly consensual with my choices. We started doing a role play and he asked me to be a teacher. Well it got kinda intense and I ended up smacking him in the face and eye, but it’s ended fine!”
- With a mistake like this, the laundry wouldn’t be the only thing that’s dry.
“Okay so I was like really aggressively making out with this guy. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks and we were around his parents so we couldn’t do anything anyway, but we went to the basement to do laundry and were like basically about to bang— like both of us had our pants unzipped and it was like real heavy. I started like reaching down his pants and was giving him a handy and his phone rings and he fucking ANSWERS IT!”
- “Johnson out, ass bare, and shook.”
I was chillen at my friends house and I had this app for meeting people and this guy messaged me to meet him. It was a bit later in the night but I wasn’t doing anything so I agreed to meet him. I wasn’t from the area so I met him at a gym in town and figured I’d follow him back to his place. But instead he wanted to drive to this random isolated place and hook up in his car. I was a little hesitant, but I was already out when I could be in bed so I wasn’t gonna go home without getting some ass. So I followed him to this creepy farm looking location and he gets out of his car and came to mine. We talked for like a minute but he was foreign with a heavy accent and it wasn’t a good conversation— so we just started having sex. Like 10 minutes in he started asking if I was close to finishing and I’m like ‘what da heck no,’ then 5 minutes later he started moaning a lot more than he was before and I asked if he finished and he said no. Then he asked to take a break and I said ok. Homeboy got out the car and went to his while saying ‘give me a minute.’ THEN HE STARTS THE CAR AND LEAVES. I’m left in this corn field looking ass farmland in the dark in my car, pants down, johnson out, ass bare and shook. Luckily God blessed me with enough bars to get the gps on my phone working, and so I got dressed and made my way back to my friends crib. I messaged ol boy like ‘yo what the hell dude?!!’ and he doesn’t respond. I told him how much of an asshole he was and he BLOCKED me. I couldn’t stop laughing until I finally got out the car 25 minutes later in my friends driveway. Also probably one of the top reasons I don’t do random hook ups anymore.”
