The week of the election at the beginning of the month was perhaps the most stressful week of my life. To cope with what seemed to be the impending doom of democracy and with a new existential crisis every day, I took up a new hobby. I baked and cooked things from scratch for the first time in my life! I’ve long been a ‘box baker’ so this was a big deal and although the recipes were easy to follow. They required my full attention and therefore provided the perfect mental break from worrying about climbing political tensions and the world being on actual fire. In this brief catalogue of delicious treats I will walk you through the recipes as well as the mental breakdown I was having while cooking it. Though, feel free to skip right to the  recipes, my brain is truly too fried (*wink) to be insulted at your lack of interest in my mental well being. 

Soft Pretzels

Pretzels From My Kitchen and A I Shadow I Couldn’t Avoid

This recipe was a lot easier than I expected which was great except it allowed for a lot of down time to stop and think about how crazy it was to be a human person. 

The Ingredients:

  • 1 & ½ cups of warm water
  • 1 packet of active dry or instant yeast (couldn’t believe this was a thing science is crazy?)
  • 1 Tsp Salt
  • 1 Tbsp of brown sugar
  • 1 tbsp of butter (melted but not hot!)
  • 3-4 cups of all purpose flour
  • Salt for sprinkling

Baking Soda Bath (“Optional” but do it if you want them to taste good)

  • ½ cup of baking soda
  • 9 cups of water

Instructions:

  • Sprinkle the yeast into the warm water and whisk together
  • Let sit for 1 minute.
  • Think about how gross the word “yeast” is
  • Whisk in Salt (1 tsp), Brown Sugar (1 Tbsp) and melted Butter (1 tbsp)
  • Slowly add 3 cups of flour (1 cup at a time) and mix until dough is thicc
  • Add ¼-½ cup of flour until dough is no longer sticky. Repeat as needed. 
    • If you poke the dough and it bounces back then she ready
  • Throw a bunch of flour on your counter (sorry roommates) and turn your dough over onto the floured area
  • Knead like a little kitty cat for 3 minutes adding in more flour as needed
  • Cover lightly with a hand towel and let sit for 10 minutes
  • During that 10 minutes preheat your oven to 400*F and prepare your baking soda bath
    • Combine baking soda (½ cup) and water (9 cups) in a large pot until baking soda is dissolved and then bring to a boil
  • Cut dough into ⅓ cup sections or into whatever size you want depending on how big or thicc you want your pretzels to be
    • I like mine a little juicer so I like to cut bigger sections
  • Roll* dough out into 20-22in sections
    • This part was ANNOYING, the dough is hard to roll so I just kind of squeezed it out into a tube shape, then I held one end and let the rest drop. I wiggled the dough around and just let gravity do its thang to elongate the dough tube thing. Honestly whatever works best for you.
  • Take the ends and draw them together so the dough forms a circle. Twist the ends, then bring them towards yourself and press them down into a pretzel shape. (Channel your inner Wetzel’s Pretzels here)
  • Once all your pretzels are formed, drop them into your baking soda bath (now at a boil) 2 at a time for 20-30 seconds. Don’t do more than two at a time or you will overwhelm yourself and the pretzels. 
  • After the 20-30 seconds use a slotted spatula to take them out of the pot and put them on a plate with some paper towels to get off the extra water while you do the rest. 
  • Sprinkle with salt while they’re a lil wet 
  • Move pretzels onto a baking sheet that you sprayed with some Pam or cooking spray
  • Bake 12-15 minutes
  • Enjoy with some mustard or dipping cheese

The Existential Crisis: 

How am I going to die? Mortality seems to come up a lot during a global pandemic. I think it’s normal to be afraid of death but I felt more afraid of no longer being alive. Where would my consciousness go? Would I float through the ceiling or disappear into total lonely nothingness? Nothing brought me comfort. No fate felt like a happy ending. What if I lost my mind on my way to the nothingness? My biggest fear is losing my memory later in life. Maybe I’m not even me right now. Maybe I’m the memory of me flashing one last time across the darkness behind eyes. I reminded myself that there was no way something as mundane as kneading dough would likely end up on the ‘Greatest Hits’ rewatch. I must be the real me. The real me, just slowly marching myself towards death – making pretzels.  

Cottage Pie

Wow Look At Her

Meat Filling:

  • 2 tbsp olive oil
  • 1 cup onion (chopped)
  • 1 lb.ground beef
  • 2 tsp parsley
  • 1 tsp dried rosemary leaves
  • 1 tsp dried thyme leaves
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp ground black pepper
  • 1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
  • 3-4 garlic cloves (minced) – but also, add as much garlic as you want, I don’t control your lifestyle
  • 2 tsp  flour
  • 2 tbsp tomato paste
  • 1 cup beef broth – I used chicken broth because as a rule I don’t read labels before buying something
  • 1 ½ cup frozen mixed peas, carrots and corn

Potato Topping:

  • 2-3 large potatoes (peeled and cut into 1 inch cubes)
  • 1 stick of butter
  • 1/3 cup half & half
  • 1/2 tsp garlic powder
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/4 tsp ground black pepper
  • 1/4 cup parmesan cheese

Instructions: 

  Meat Filling: 

  • Add oil to large skillet on medium-high heat for 2 minutes
  • Add ground beef and break apart with spoon/spatula
  • Add parsley (2 tsp), rosemary (1 tsp), thyme (1 tsp), salt (1 tsp) and pepper (1 tsp)
  • Stir well
  • Cook for 6-8 minutes (until meat is browned)
  • Add Worcestershire sauce (1 tbsp) and garlic
  • Cause some drama – stir that pot
  • Cook 1 minute
  • Add flour (2 tsp) and tomato paste (2 tbsp) 
  • Stir until flour and paste clumps are gone – make it a smooth criminal
  • Add broth (1 cup) and frozen veggies (1 ½ cups) and bring to a boil then reduce to a simmer
  • Simmer 5 minutes (stirring occasionally to keep things interesting)
  • Set aside
  • Preheat oven to 400*F

  Potato Topping:

  • Peel potatoes and chop into 1 inch cubes ( I forgot to cut them and it was THE WORST so make sure you do that)
  • Place in large pot and cover with water
  • Bring to boil then reduce to simmer
  • Cook till tender (10-15 minutes) – You should be able to stick a fork in them, wait is that where the saying comes from?
  • Add butter (8 tbsp), half & half (⅓ cup), garlic powder (½ tsp), salt and pepper
  • Mash potatoes and stir until everything is mixed together
  • Add parmesan cheese and stir

  Assembling the Casserole:

Is This A Casserole? Let Me Know
  • Assemble the casserole – Potatoes on top, meat on the bottom
  • Bake uncovered (but a pan below for overspill) for 25-30 minutes
  • Let sit for 10 before serving but again do what you want, only you are in charge of your life

The Crisis: 

I hate that I’m not one of those ‘Cottage Core’ kind of girls. All I want is to live out in the woods away from every person on this earth. Just me, my cat and my jam. I assume that when I move out to the forest or a mountain top that only I know about, that I will immediately understand how to make jam. I’d make fun jams too, not just boring AF grape. It’d be like strawberry jalapeno or marmalade and mint. Something fancy that I eat with the goat cheese I made myself. I would read everyday and do cross stitching like a proper lady of the forrest. I know I’ll never actually do this though. No, I’m destined to be an average person in an average life without ever knowing how to make sourdough bread for the Fae. I’ll never be truly happy. I can barely relocate myself from the bed to the couch, I highly doubt I could make it up a mountain. My own unhappiness is my own dang fault, which is honestly just rude of me. *Sigh* Someone rescue me already. 

The Fruit Tart

Okay Now Look At Her

Ingredients:

  Crust:

  • 1 ⅓ cup flour
  • ¼ c of granulated sugar
  • ½ tsp salt
  • 10 tbsp butter (melted)
  • ½ tsp almond extract

  Filling:

  • ½ cup heavy whipping cream
  • 1 container mascarpone cheese (8 oz)
  • 4 oz cream cheese (soft)
  • ½ cup powdered sugar
  • Juice from ½ lemon
  • ½ tsp almond extract

   Topping:

  • Strawberries
  • Blackberries
  • Raspberries
  • Mandarin oranges (essential for avoiding a patriotic red white and blue tart)
  • Blueberries
  • ¼ cup Apricot preserves 

Instructions:

Crust:

  • Preheat oven to 350*
  • In a large bowl whisk together flour (1 ⅓ cup), sugar (¼ cup), and salt (½ tsp)
  • Add melted butter (10 tbsp) and almond extract (½ tsp)
  • Stir until dough forms
  • Press mixture into pan and up the sides so it’s supported (awww) and until dough is smooth
  • Prick all over with a fork (I don’t know why but it felt important)
  • Bake 20-25 minutes (until its golden like Ponyboy)
  • Let cool completely

Filling:

  • In a medium bowl with a beater or your hand and a whisk (get that work out in) beat heavy cream (½ cup) until stiff peaks form – basically until it can stand on its own idk how else to explain but look up a picture if you’re confused
  • In a separate larger bowl, beat mascarpone (8 oz) and cream cheese (4 oz) until smooth
  • Add powdered sugar (½ cup), lemon juice and almond extract (½ tsp)
  • Beat until no lumps remain
  • Fold in whipped cream (make sure to reference Schitt’s Creek when you do this step or your tart will taste bad)
  • Spread filling officer cooled crust 
  • Arrange the fruit however tickles your fancy
  • Heat together apricot preserves (¼ cup) and water (2 tsp) in the microwave for 30 seconds
  • Brush over tart (I used a coffee filter for this because in my house all the brushes are crusted in paint I used once)
  • Refrigerate for 2 hours
Be Careful, You Can Get Lost In Those Berries

The Crisis

How long until we become a full on “Handmaid’s Tale” society? Like, as a woman, when will all my rights be gone? I wish someone would just tell me so that I can enjoy them while I got em. I look good in red though so that’s an upside. I hate this place. I do love the food though. That’s the good thing about life I guess, there’s always a buffet somewhere to lift your spirits. I think I could survive the apocalypse. I would definitely turn evil and sacrifice my loved ones to get ahead but I would still survive. I wonder if my friends know that I would sacrifice them in the end of days. Maybe that’s why they haven’t texted me in a while. Maybe I’m the problem. But it’s also probably their fault too, but even more because I’m sensitive and they should respect that by texting me first more. Okay maybe I’m the problem. Write in to LocoMag if you think I’m the problem in my failing personal relationships. But remember, if you do, it’ll probably hurt my feelings. 

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