Welcome to our Expert Advice column, where we gathered a team of Human Experts to give you the very best advice for all of your human problems. This month’s advice is about navigating that pesky Thanksgiving questionnaire.
It’s almost Thanksgiving, and if you’re not preparing for the annual battlefield of questions at the table, you definitely should be! No matter how prepared you may think you are – the Loco Mag team has this all-encompassing guide for how to rise victorious from that relentless onslaught of familial judgement.
Do you have a boyfriend / girlfriend yet?
- I’m a real heartbreaker in dating sims.
- *pulls out a Pride flag* For the last time, I’m gay!
- Stalk my social media like you usually do
- I’m lucky to even have friends.
- Have you ended that extramarital affair yet?
- Yeah, one of each.
(If you already have an SO) When are you guys getting married?
- Whenever the tax benefit is too much to resist.
- Around the same time you get your complete surprise of a divorce, Sharon.
- When are you going to move out of grandma’s basement, Uncle Jimmy?
- About 90 days before I’m getting divorced.
What are you doing after college?
- I’ve selected an excellent corner to occupy in fetal position for a few years.
- I’m going to be a stripper for a little while until my student loans are paid off.
- Starting a competitive jump rope team like Corbin Bleu in “Jump In!”
- I’ve been looking into several cults.
- Doing whatever pays money.
- Probably crying.
Do you have a job?
- I’ve already told you, I’m a stripper to pay off my student loans.
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bzpx9YZxK4o
- .
- I’m wearing a garbage bag. Does it look like I have a job?
What grade are you in again? You’re starting high school next year right?
- Yes, I pay $57000 to go to public high school when I’m a legal adult.
- (Snoop Dogg voice) High school? No, high school.
So, what do you plan on doing with your degree?
- Finding a job in the field?
- Absolutely nothing…
- I’m still trying to figure that one out.
- Burn it and absorb its fumes to gain infinite knowledge.
- Burning it to keep myself warm since I can’t afford my heating bill.
- Let’s get the degree first.
- I’m hoping to marry rich and never have to use it.
How much money will you make? I don’t think that field pays a lot!
- Ummmm (biting tongue and being polite) I realize it’s not going to pay a lot but that’s not why I have an interest in my major.
- However much money a kidney costs.
- Actually the stripping industry is booming.
- Did you miss the part about marrying rich?
- Whatever I can find in your wallet when you’re in the bathroom.
