This issue’s theme is “fever dream,” which immediately made me want to write about one of my many experiences at urgent care, emergency rooms, and doctors’ offices. The best story I could think of happened when I was five years old. My parents still think it’s hilarious and talk about it from time to time. I don’t remember much from before 2009, so this story has been pieced together from my parents’ retelling.
I woke up in the middle of the night with serious pain coming from my ear. I don’t remember if I had been sick leading up to this, but I do know that the discomfort I felt was serious. I went into my parents’ room and woke them up, as you do when you’re young and don’t feel good. My parents did that thing parents do where they figure out who has to take care of the sick kid. My mom lost so we got dressed and drove to an emergency room.
I had an ear infection. It wasn’t my first one so we already knew to tell them that I couldn’t take the pink, liquid medicine that they usually give kids (I had taken it before, and it made me throw up). Since I was only five I couldn’t swallow pills and apparently the only alternative was to give me medicine through a shot. And where did the shot have to go? In. My. Butt. Cheek.
You guys. My butt cheek! Like most kids, I hated needles and shots and was always terrified when I had to get them. I thought they must’ve been crazy for thinking that I would let them stick a needle in my butt. So what did I do? Well, I made a scene, of course.
I screamed and kicked and cried and squirmed. It ended up taking three people to hold me down while I got the shot. Let me tell ya, young me was not happy. As we were leaving, I was screaming “I wanna see the manager! These people are idiots!” That’s right, my inner Karen came out. I guess you could call it my inner Ellen because I definitely got that from my mom. I screamed all the way out the door.
My parents think this story is hilarious because their five-year-old daughter was threatening to speak to the manager of an emergency room and calling adult idiots. In summary, don’t mess with me when I’m sick. It won’t go well for you.
