By Grant Fedorov
When I was young, love was something I saw frequently in various media. It implanted an image in my brain that love is mandatory. Love was something that I thought would help me reach a new “stage” in my life. As I got older and became less oblivious to the world, I soon realized that the world is a lot bigger than standard matrimony as I learned about the LGBTQIA+ community and different religions. However, I was raised by modest parents who wanted me to focus on getting good grades and having a stable job. Though I understood the reason for their focus, it led me to situations that I never thought I’d be in as I tackled my sexuality and love life alone.
Even after I realized I was gay and told my parents, it didn’t do anything. I was metaphorically stuck in a private catholic high school where some of the students treated me like a zoo animal or with disgust because they knew I was gay. It didn’t matter if I “acted gay” or was just with my friends, their mindset was impervious and unwilling to change. I adapted to this by just not being myself. I talked in a very monotone voice, I didn’t talk about any of my interests that might seem “queer”, and most importantly I didn’t listen to myself. I hated myself during this time as I felt hollow and unfulfilled. Although there were gay people at my school, they were either better at hiding it or were popular to some degree. One promise I made to myself was that I’d find a partner in college. I’ve only gone out with one person and had a few online relationships…but I wanted something real.
Freshman year rolls around and I still don’t feel like myself. I quickly realized that I was back to hiding myself in my room and not trying to reach out. As freshman year went on, I realized that I didn’t feel comfortable in my clothes and wanted to wear something that didn’t remind me of my high school years. I became more comfortable in women’s clothes as opposed to wearing traditional men’s clothes. But, because my high school had a dress code I didn’t have a lot of clothes that I felt comfortable in. Over time, I got more clothes that made me feel more relaxed and I found friends who didn’t care what I wore. It feels nice to have friends who allow me to be authentic and not wear a mask around.
I’m still on the metaphorical road of self-discovery, but I’m more confident now in myself and my body. Although I haven’t gotten into a relationship on campus, I’ve been focusing on my grades and studies. It’s still hard for me sometimes to be myself around others, but I’m thankful for my friends and family who support me and accept me no matter who I am. I hope to keep growing and exploring this path of self-discovery that I walk on.
