It took years for me to figure out what my sexuality is. I went back and forth between labels. I thought I was bisexual for a period of time, then I thought maybe I was romantically attracted to everyone, but only sexually attracted to women. I exhausted every label I could find because I didn’t like the idea of being lesbian. I tried biromantic and demisexual, then biromantic and homosexual. I avoided the title, ‘lesbian’ at all costs. Finally, I accepted that no matter how many labels I put in my sexuality, I am in no way attracted to guys: sexually or romantically.
It took me a long time to even be comfortable with the term, “lesbian.” It felt dirty to me, and though I knew it was the correct label for my sexuality, I had trouble identifying with it. It took time, and a few months of me saying “lesbian” over and over in my mirror. Eventually, I was able to separate the word from the negative connotation that existed in my mind, and it became empowering.
So, I should be done now, right? I went through the painstaking process of figuring out my sexuality and the label that felt true… so I was done labeling myself, wasn’t I?
Nope.
The way my sexuality affects my perception of my gender and my gender expression is something I never expected. I’ve never been super “feminine” in the way I dress. Dresses and skirts have made me uncomfortable for as long as I can remember, and I never liked clothes in stereotypically more “feminine” colors. But I also remember it never being a source of confliction. It was just what I was comfortable wearing. People saw me as more tomboyish and sporty, but never was surprised if I wore a dress to church or a fancy dinner.
Getting comfortable in my identity, inspired me to further explore my style and gender expression. Feeling as good as I did, accepting my sexuality, made me want to work on being completely myself and accepting it no matter what. I experimented a little more with style and started wearing things like suits and pieces of “men’s” clothing.
But I’m not necessarily masculine either. I can be, but not on a daily basis. Normally, I find myself somewhere in between, incorporating societally dictated “masculine” and “feminine” elements. It makes me feel as if I’m in limbo. I don’t fit any of the subset of labels within lesbianism. I’m not femme. I’m not butch. I’m not even really a tomboy. My closet is a mix of clothes from the societally constructed men’s and women’s sections. Sometimes I wear joggers and an oversized t-shirt with a full face of makeup and winged eyeliner. Sometimes I wear skinny jeans, heeled boots, and a men’s button down. Sometimes I might wear a blouse, jeans, and combat boots. Sometimes I wear a backwards baseball cap, sometimes heels.
I don’t know what my style is. Every day I wake up and feel comfortable with a different level of masculinity/femininity. But within the lesbian community, there are so many sub-labels that sometimes align with dress. Butch, femme, androgynous, tom-boy. Many lesbians identify with one of these labels and their style goes along with it.
I don’t like these labels, not for myself anyway. I think if others find empowerment in them, then that is great, and they should use them. I just don’t. And I find it frustrating when society expects me to act a certain way because I dress a certain way. Or vice versa. Or that if I dress a certain way one day, I’ll dress similarly the next day.
I never thought this would be an issue, but it comes up a lot. Especially when it comes to dating, I find that girls make assumptions about me based on the pictures on my Tinder. It seems that people expect me to act in accordance with what I wear. People try to put me in boxes of these sub-labels that I didn’t ask for. I’m not butch or femme, or even tomboy really. I don’t necessarily see myself as masculine or feminine. I identify as a female, but don’t buy into society’s idea of femininity.
I’m just me and I’m happy with that. I’m happy identifying as a lesbian woman. I don’t need or want anything further than that. If further labeling makes people comfortable and empowered then that’s fantastic. But don’t force those sub-labels, or any other labels, on people who don’t want them. Don’t make presumptions about people’s personality or the role they would take in a relationship based on the clothes they wear.
Clothes are just clothes, get to know me for me.
