In first grade, I was in the hospital for a surgery that I had to get done. I remember how after I was forced to eat blended pancakes because I could only eat soft foods especially for the next three weeks. School was off of my radar for the rest of the month since I didn’t have to attend, which made me really happy. I treated my recovery like it was a vacation. I mean I was having the time of my life, but that life was too short.
It started to dawn on me how much I would struggle in school and in life. I was really young in first grade, but I was not young forever. The trouble I would have with meeting new people and being able to keep my grades up started to sink deep in my bones the older I got. Some of the smartest minds that I’ve ever known and ever will know told me that my own mind will never work the way that others do. They told me that I would struggle.
I started to never expect anything of myself. I never aimed for high scores or even much of a social life. When people would tell me to aim higher, I would tell them that is impossible. I would not bother trying. I called myself a realist for it. Nothing was more important to me than being a realist. If I was not a realist, then I was a dreamer. I could not afford to be a dreamer. Being a dreamer was not in the cards for me, so I continued to play it safe.
Holy Family University was the only college that I applied to. It was only two minutes away from my house. I was really fortunate that I got in because I truly had no other back up plans, which I do not recommend. I spent my freshman year of college at Holy Family University. I absolutely despised it. I never expected living with my parents to be hard, but it was hard. Holy Family University was not for me. It was as simple as that.
My friend advised me that I should transfer. I hesitated for a long time. I didn’t think I could do it, but she convinced me otherwise. And, now? I’m doing things that I never would’ve imagined doing four years ago. I travel alone, write articles, ride horses, hike, and go places that I never thought I would go. I would say that I am sorry for the life I left behind, but that apology wouldn’t have any real meaning to it. I’m not sorry that I transferred, especially now that I am so close to the finish line. I’m starting to think that I can actually do this and I’m not disappointed about it. Not even a little bit.
I never saw myself graduating college, but now it’s all I can see. I do not mean to exaggerate, but I truly think that making it will kill me. Senior year may be different from my previous years, but it won’t stop me from making it. No one will be there to keep an eye on me, but that does not change anything. I have exactly a year left, which is wild. I still can’t believe I’m actually doing it.
Life is hard. It is harder when most of the battles you fight are within, so they can not be seen by other people. I regret to say that it does not get easier with time. As a matter of fact, it will only get harder. There are ways that can make things easier and they start with yourself. The only things that can be changed are the things that you can control. Once you learn that, only then life will change. Take me as proof. I lost out on so many opportunities because I told myself that I was playing it safe. Now, I have so many plans for my future that I lost track of them all. Wanting to change the way that you see yourself and, then, actually changing is not impossible. It’s far from it. Allow yourself to want and to do what you want.
Featured Image by Allison Schmidt
