… and I can’t stop writing about it.
I used to really like Valentine’s Day. In elementary school it was an excuse to eat candy in class and cutting out paper hearts to exchange with friends. Even throughout middle school and high school, my parents went to extra lengths to make Valentine’s Day special for me and my siblings. My mom would make us all personalized cards and we’d get chocolates and maybe a stuffed animal or DVD from the discount section at Walmart.
But Valentine’s Day has a sort of daunting connotation this year. For the past four years, February 14th has been my anniversary with my ex and, naturally, this year will be different. It’s frustrating in many ways because although it’s been over 3 months since we went our separate ways, I can’t seem to shake him out of my head. Unfortunately, that association is still there and is still very strong, so I can’t help but remember how I’ve spent Valentine’s Days in the past; homemade dinners, getting dressed up, mushy posts on social media. Ugh. I’ve grown enough in the past 3 months to know that I don’t miss him, but I do miss the sentiments behind it.
I also wish that I could stop writing about heartbreak. I don’t physically feel like my heart is broken anymore, but when I sit down to write a post for my personal blog, all that comes out is my feelings towards my ex and how hindsight is 20-20. The whole last year of our relationship was more or less a train wreck, and it seems that all I can do is reflect upon it. Up until this article, I’ve been nervous to post my thoughts because I’m worried that people will think I’m still pining after him.
I’m “over him” in the sense that I no longer miss having him in my life. I’ve accepted my single status and I’m actually enjoying having more quality time to spend with my friends. I even adopted a bunny a few weeks into my single life to shower with unconditional love and affection, (though I love Miss Billie Hop-liday a lot more than she will ever love me, but again, I’ve accepted that fact.) What I’m not exactly “over” are the little things that remind me of him; his favorite team winning the Super Bowl, new episodes of his favorite anime being released, and even random things like my roommate drinking my ex’s favorite brand of chocolate milk. I suppose what I mainly feel is annoyance and unless I write about it, I don’t have a better productive outlet for my irritation (because no, I wouldn’t consider ranting to my roommates as necessarily “productive”.)
I understand that I can always write it out and save those writings just for me, but what if I’m proud of what I have written and want to share it? Surely there’s no harm in that, but then I worry that I’m being redundant or petty. But I think what is often overlooked is just how prominent my ex had been in my life. I’m only 22- years- old and we were together for almost 5 years. That’s a hell of a lot of time to be with someone that you started dating in high school and almost an entire fifth of my life!
But maybe I shouldn’t have to feel embarrassed to publish these things. Maybe the idea of a “strong, independent woman, who doesn’t need a man,” has been glorified to the point where breakups should be seen as no big deal and should be dealt with in kind. But the sucky reality of the situation is that this breakup was and continues to be a big deal, no matter how much I wish it wasn’t. I’m emotional by nature and I can’t easily forget the pain that my ex caused me with his lies. I am certainly not looking to enter a new romantic relationship anytime soon, but I am also trying to take my newfound freedom in stride and embrace the opportunities to spend quality time with my friends and family.
I’m allowed to process at my own pace, and if I want to write about it and then share those writings with others, eff it. I’ll do what I damn well please.
