Recently I found myself in a relationship with someone that when I look at him I see my future. He walked into my life at such an unexpected time and has gone on to show me a love that I’ve never experienced before. What I’ve been thinking about lately is that to finally have someone like this in my life I had to go through many other different experiences with boys. Any of my friends can attest to the fact that I’ve always been a little boy crazy all my life, but it’s made me all the wiser. From high school crushes to the one that left me heartbroken and all the others in between, they’ve all had some sort of impact on how I approach relationships today and what I expect from a partner. In a way to finally let go of my past experiences of heartbreaks and move forward towards a brighter future, here’s an open letter; To all the boys I loved before.
To all the boys I loved before,
First off, thank you for teaching me so much more than I’ll ever let you know. This will be the one and only time I’ll ever admit this fact knowing none of you will ever see this. You’ve all taught me that patience is key when getting to know someone and that rushing into things will only leave both people disappointed and frustrated in the end. You’ve reminded me that to get to the diamond in the rough you must go through a whole lot of coal beforehand.
To the skater boy crush, despite the emotional turbulence you caused me at just 15 years old, I appreciate everything you taught me. From the time we met, I knew dating you was bound to be a rollercoaster, but I was willing to put in all the effort just to keep you interested. You came into my life at a point where I needed someone to lean on and you quickly became my rock in the whirlwind that was my life. When you left for Florida, I knew it was going to either tear us apart or bring us closer.
It tore us apart.
Our late night phone calls were replaced with your lies of “not having any minutes.” Dramatic fictional stories of family tragedies led the end of our constant communication.
Then, you disappeared.
I thank you for that. You taught me a sense of patience and care that I never thought I was capable of. You prepared me for a future with lack of communication and “ghosting.” Regardless, I hope all these years later you’ve broken out of your lying habits and can finally make a girl feel appreciated.
To the high school mistake, there’s not much I can thank you for. You and I were a strange pairing and definitely not my proudest moment. I had hopes that beneath your “bad boy” exterior there would be more to you that would give me a reason to continue seeing you. I can thank you for showing me that all the teen romance books and movies I watched were completely inaccurate. You were my first taste of the realities of dating. You left me with the constant fear of being cheated on and for that, I thank you. You became my first example of what red flags I wanted to avoid in the future.
To the one who showed me real heartbreak: we were toxic. We may not have realized it at first, but how could we? Our lives were full of adventures, classic date nights, and confessing our hopes and dreams to each other; but underneath it all was a toxic obsession. An obsession to be constantly overly involved in each other’s lives that by the end of our relationship it was driving a wedge between us. Despite how badly our relationship ended, you’re the one I have a lot to be thankful for. You were the first boy I trusted to let down my walls and fall in love with. There were more good times than bad, there was all the love and support that pushed me to be a better person. Thank you for teaching me how to love deeper, fight for what I want, and the importance of addressing issues in a relationship.
I’m sorry I hurt you. Neither of us are innocent when it comes to the way things ended. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love someone, but also overcome the heartache of when they leave. At the time I would never think that you and I ending things would be the best thing that happened to me that year, but it was. I became a stronger woman with the confidence to take on the world, and even though it pains me, thank you.
The one that came out of nowhere: I can never express how grateful I am for you. We didn’t have much time to spend together before I had to travel back home to the States, but in the few months we had, you brightened my life beyond belief. I can still remember how awkward we were the first time we met, but by the end of that night we were lying under the stars rambling about our goals in life. You provided me with a sense of relief. Relief that the feeling of being hopeless was just in my head, that I was capable of moving on from a break-up, and that there were more “fish in the sea.” Thank you for helping me find the hope I thought I lost. Thank you for never asking what we were, because what were was too unique to be defined.
You quickly became a friend I’d confide in with just about anything. I may have never told you this, but you brought the happiness I hadn’t had in awhile back into my life. Leaving you that day affected me more than I was willing to admit, but I’m so happy that you’re happy now. I hope you’ve found that steady connection with someone that I know you deserve.
To the now, you scare me. Not in a bad way, but the future scares me and I know you’re my future. You’ve become the first consistent thing in my life in a long time and that makes me nervous. I worry that my insecurities from my past will worry you about our future. From the moment we met, you knew I was the one you wanted. That scared the crap out of me. I’ve had my fair share of rocky seas before meeting you and I don’t want you to be another silly fling. You mean more to me than I can put into words. I’m trusting you as much as you’re trusting me to hold each other’s hearts close. There’s nothing more I want in this world than for you to be happy. So I hope you are.
Love,
Sophie
