I love sports, but more than I love sports, I love random and weird sports moments. Nothing is stranger than the weird history of athletes biting each other and I want to share some of my personal favorites with you all. Without further ado, the top 5:
Tree Bites Man
This one is most famous for the all-time headline that came out of it: “Tree Bites Man.” Sevenfooter big man Tree Rollins gave a dirty shot at Danny Ainge and the rest is print-media-headline history. I like this one because it didn’t really cause any permanent injury, and like most Philadelphians, I despise Danny Ainge and the way he constantly puts a masterclass, in general, managing the Boston Celtics. I don’t like the dude, he got relatively-harmlessly bit, it’s pretty good stuff. Plus, it’s pretty fun to hear those 1983 commentators talk through the fight and ensuing team scrap. This bite isn’t super exciting in itself but “Tree Bites Man” is one of the great sports headlines to ever grace the newspaper.
Gallardo: Love Bites
So uh, this one should probably be the #1 ranking for sheer absurdity. Most of these are fights, or at least between opponents who don’t like each other. This is a celebration, which is pretty weird. But somehow that’s not the weird part, the weird part is the location. I’m not entirely sure why this dude decided he should celebrate a goal with a good-old-fashioned buddy to buddy bite below the belt, but he went right for his teammates’ unmentionables and took a nice chomp. Somehow. He got fined and suspended for violating “sporting conduct”, but honestly, I’m sure that wasn’t nearly as bad as the reaction of the scorer afterward. I don’t know if it’s a Great Moment In Sports, but I just feel like I needed to share this with everyone because I feel weird being the only one who knows about this, but yeah.
Tyson
There’s not really much to say about Mike Tyson biting the hell out of Evander Holyfield. It’s probably the most famous in-sport event of the 20th century in America. It’s a mainstream staple of popular culture and reinforced the idea to every that Mike Tyson is not to be messed with, in case the face tattoos didn’t tip you off. It’s crazy, it’s famous, it’s a classic. What more is there to say? I like this one.
Suarez, Suarez, and Suarez
What’s truly bizarre about the Suarez bite is that there are three of them. The dude had a real problem. One of the great soccer players of our day, Suarez has become more well known for chomping guys than scoring from Leo Messi passes. First, he just went nuts on the shoulder of Otman Bakkal right in front of the official and baffled the world with his cannibalistic urges. That one was a little under the radar since he was in the Dutch league tearing it up, and only really came to international attention when he made a major move to Liverpool and people asked questions. The second was much weirder. It was during his time at Liverpool, a major Premier League team, against Chelsea, also a major Premier League team. I don’t really know why he thought it would be a good idea to do it on television with literal millions of viewers for one of the biggest games of the most-watched league in the world. He floated with his arms on Branislov’s arm, then went in on it. Last was against Chilleini in the World Cup, when he bit the Italian defender on the TV screens of millions across the world.. The dude clearly had no thoughts about what he was doing before he did it. I mean, the World Cup. This one edges out Tyson because Tyson only had one major incident instead of a lifelong habit. Luis Suarez, take a bow, not a bite.
Loris Benito and the Pine Marten
So this is sort of cheating, but it’s still my favorite. I know all the other examples are actual fights between two players, but this is the best bite in sports history. Zurich defender Loris Benito wanted to be the hero of the day and save the stadium from a furious, angry, really cute pitch invader and got bitten for coming at the king. The way the Pine Marten runs is the cutest thing I’ve seen in my damn life. He’s a hero and the best pitch invader the world has ever seen. It’s shades of Manu Ginobli killing a bat in the weirdest San Antonio Spurs game of all time, but this one’s better because the good guy wins. This is number 1. No Tyson, no Suarez, just the Young King Pine Marten. (Pine Martens are really cute animals that you should search, but they do have really really sharp teeth and this was probably really really unfun).
