Dad, if you’re reading this, I apologize in advance.
‘Twas the morning of vacation,
no alarm clocks were needed,
because if anyone overslept,
Dad would get heated.
All our bags were packed
into the car with haste,
in hopes to avoid the wrath
that we soon faced.
Why is it that every travel day of any vacation, dads enter a new form of their existence? It’s as though they have repressed this travelling state for their whole lives only to unleash it on the first and last day of family vacation. Of course, all fathers are not the same, so this comes out in different ways for different families. That being said, I KNOW I’m not the only one with near-death experiences related to the travelling father.
I think that there are two categories of travel dad. The first is “the road trip terror,” where the burden of denying bathroom and food stops falls solely on his shoulders. The second would be “the airfare fiend” (also known as the gate guardian), where the stresses of expensive flights and being trapped with screaming babies push them to the breaking point. Both of these fatherly forms are intense in their own unique ways, and neither, under any circumstances, should be tested.
If you’ve found yourself in this position of absolute terror, don’t worry! This is survivable and will be over as soon as you settle into your destination. My goal is to give you a list of tips and tricks to make it to your vacation completely unscathed (and maybe even on the favorite child list for the week). Now, without further adieu, let’s begin.
- The Pee Bottle
Your dad is going 70 mph on the highway and you suddenly have the urge to go to the bathroom. What are you going to do? Ask the legendary “nightmare on 95” to pull over or find a bathroom while he is rocking out to Classic Rewind on the radio? Good luck with that one. My solution is not a hygienic one, but it has saved me a few times. If you are able, bring an empty water bottle or container with a lid that you can pee in if you absolutely have to. Dads HATE stopping on road trips, so doing your best to cut out that stop is a perfect way to get on his good side.
- Snacks!
Since you won’t be stopping for anything anytime soon, it might be worth thinking about bringing some snacks with you. This depends on how long you will be in the car, but having extra for “the stingy snacker” will always keep you on the safe side of his wrath. If you are on a plane, this is almost MORE important. Sure, the flight attendants will come by and offer snacks, but sometimes you have to pay for them, and that goes against everything dads stand for. Don’t even bother asking for them, trust me.
- DO NOT Speak While Pink Floyd is Playing
Pitbull could be riding a shark with laser beams in the lane next to you and it would still mean nothing. You simply cannot interrupt Pink Floyd. If the songs “Wish You Were Here,” “Brain Damage/Eclipse,” or “Another Brick in the Wall,” come on, you need to double down and not even look in his general direction. He will be too consumed in the music that pulling him out of that immersion would be a big mistake. Want bonus points? After the songs are over, ask him about the history of the band and how their songs were made. Easy win.
- Make Sure You’re Signed in to All of Your Streaming Platforms
If you want to watch something to pass the time on the trip, whether that be in the car or on the plane, you either need to have your logins saved somewhere or already be signed in. Whatever the case may be, you cannot ask your dad what the password is, or you might trigger an outburst. Nobody likes trying to figure out their passwords on a good day, but a dad on travel day? That’s another animal. If you can’t remember your password, have fun looking out the window.
- Pack Up Fast and Early
At the very least, you need to have your bag packed and in your room before he wakes up. This is a must for survival, trust me I fail this step quite often. If you want bonus points, you can load all of your things into the car before he asks you to (or before he wakes up). If you want to completely knock his socks off, go fill up the car at a local gas station and bring your dad back a coffee. You will be treated like royalty for the whole trip, that’s a promise.
If you follow along with these tips and tricks, you should be smooth sailing to vacation in no time. Then you can just rinse and repeat for the day you travel back home and you’re all good! I hope that with this list, you can not only survive travel day, but launch yourself right into that favorite child spot before the vacation begins.
All jokes aside though, I have a huge amount of love and appreciation for my dad. None of the vacations I have been on would have been possible without his (somewhat overkill) planning and efficiency. Even if it is easy to make fun of, it works. Thanks for being you, Dad.
Featured image credited to Kylo via Unsplash.
