Don’t be disturbed by the title— I promise this isn’t about beastiality. And if you want to hear about weird, kinky fish sex, watch “The Shape of Water.” (You didn’t hear that from me.) Catfish spawning is—literally—a wild thing to explore because there are a few ways we can relate to it. Or we can try.
Let me set the scene: It’s a warm summer day, about 75-80 degrees. The water is warm, relaxing, and calm. A female catfish, let’s call her Karen, who’s still young enough to get her kicks, decides to go out. It’s an average afternoon, you know. Maybe she meets up with a few friends from around the block. They have a good evening and grab some dinner— organic escargot.
The evening transcends into Karen and her friends going out out. There is this new place in the river called “The Net.” All of the hottest fish end up there at night, so the girls decide to try it out.
Karen is having a good time. Her friends are on the swim floor busting moves, but she has her eye on a particularly good-looking specimen. Large whiskers, tough, mucus-covered body, and muscular fins move toward her. Their eyes lock, and Karen blows a bubble to signal her appreciation for his approach. It’s lust at first sight.
Karen’s friends give her a wink, and the next thing we know, Bill— as Karen found out through a very flirty conversation— is whisking her away somewhere down the channel.
They find a nice spot between two sunken logs and decide to get on with it. Karen lays her eggs, about 15,000 of them, and Bill covers them with sperm. The two make sure they are covered and protected, but Bill isn’t out of the woods yet. Unlike most fish, he stays to guard the eggs for about ten days.
Finally, Karen and Bill welcome hundreds of fry (babies) into the river. Bill guards them for another week until they’re old enough to be on their own.
So why should we have catfish sex? Well firstly, female catfish will not even think about getting it on unless they are perfectly comfortable. The water must be perfect temperature, the river must be calm, and the month must be right. Secondly, as we saw with Bill and Karen, they pick a secluded, private spot to share their intimacy. (Not trying to kink shame you exhibitionists…) And lastly, even with all of the babies they have, no matter how hard it gets, Bill stays to make sure Karen and the kids are fine. It’s inspiring.
The moral of Bill and Karen’s story is this: ladies, you deserve perfection. Don’t have sex unless you’re comfortable, pick a good one, and for the love of god, make sure he takes responsibility.
