The Club Penguin Apocalypse

The Club Penguin Apocalypse has arrived, and if there’s one thing that I’m fascinated by, it’s a good apocalypse story. I cried at Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. So when I heard that Club Penguin was being closed, I decided to head on to find out what the end times really look like in penguin paradise.

I stalled out at the name and went with LocoMag because I didn’t have to come up with it, and technically, I’m dragging us all down with me here.

It asked for my parents’ email but I cheated a bit and just put my email like all good 13 year olds do. This meant that I had to go to my own email address to active my “child’s” account. I considered the duality of man and the fact that we all have our child selves within us.

It started out by making me choose a server to join. Blizzard had the most players, while Skates boasted an “Ultimate safe chat.” I steered clear of Skates just on the principle of free speech. Flurry had the fewest active players, which made me wonder – who chooses Flurry? What type of penguins?

I had to find out.

Into Flurry I went. A penguin wearing a grotesque dead fish as a tie greeted me and offered to show me around. I couldn’t skip it, so I was forced to pretend I hadn’t spend many hours of my childhood playing Club Penguin and listen to the fascinating information on the tour, such as, “Play games to earn coins!” Excuse me, blond penguin, I know how the economic system of Club Penguin works.

Once I was let into the game, I headed straight to my igloo. Here I spent a delightful few moments clicking around the floor and watching my pink alter ego penguin self waddle about my new (empty) pad. I remembered how I used to try to get my penguin to face me when I was a child – an interesting experiment that may have signalled my self-absorption. While at my igloo, I collected a reward – a table for two people. Here’s hoping that my penguin is able to find love before the apocalypse in two days.

Since my igloo was completely empty, I decided to get a Puffle. I used to love the little penguin pets, so I headed to the pet store at the plaza. While standing outside, a penguin named Piglet4102 walked by. He was extremely decked out in a coat, a helmet, and multiple chains around his neck. He was walking a pink puffle. I greeted him with a hearty “Hi Piglet!” and he didn’t respond. Some penguins fall into self-absorption during the apocalypse, it turns out.

I walked over and stood on top of a penguin named Bran to choose what puffle to adopt. I chose a pink one and named it MiniMe – the end times leave no space for creativity. MiniMe wasted no time before crossing the room and finding me money – and they say pets aren’t economically sound for a college student to own. I was informed that “Everyone’s puffles can dig up coins” and that “Members can walk puffles for the chance to find rare items.” This seemed like blatant exploitation, but I found no way of ridding myself of the 40 coins that MiniMe had found me, so I pocketed them and promptly left.

Outside, there was a quiz game going on. I wondered how I was supposed to answer such questions as “Where is a painting of a tipped iceberg?” The answer: Lodge attic. Of course. I began to feel that I’d aged too much for this game.

I collected a reward for having visited the pet shop. It was a colorful polka dot party hat. I assured MiniMe that she was all the reward I needed. Besides, all will be gone soon enough. I didn’t tell MiniMe this – she was riding off the high of her treasure find.

It was time to clothe myself. Being in the nude was all well and good, but I started to worry that penguins like PS4882746382 and especially my friend Piglet 4120 would judge me for my blatant disregard of dress practices.

By the way, something about the frantic music that was playing with fireworks in the background added to the apocalyptic vibe. All would disappear so soon.

I decided to check out the Penguin Style clothing catalog. It was from February 2017. I guess they went out of business when the apocalypse was announced. Still, maybe I could be seen wearing last month’s fashion.

I had 388 coins for some reason, so I could pretty much either buy a t-shirt or hair. As a respectable journalist, I chose the t-shirt. It cost 250. The experience of spending over half my worth on a t-shirt made me think of American Apparel. I put on my shirt and walked up and down the catwalk several times as another pink penguin with a green belt in ju jitsu watched.

I decided to head up to the Dojo, because it was one of the most peaceful places in Club Penguin during my childhood. Here I found out that I was actually supposed to have been training to do something this whole time, but I usually just went up there to clear my head and sit in the quiet. Now that it would all be gone so soon, I was distressed that I had never used this opportunity to train to better myself and my penguin body. I went inside and managed to clear the room quickly by saying “Hi everyone.”

My next stop was the ski hill to play the games I remembered loving. It was a sled racing game, a big Multiplayer thing, but unfortunately, there were literally no other penguins present on the ski hill. I sat at the top of a hill with MiniMe for quite some time, ruminating and looking out on the world that was covered in perpetual fluffy white snow, wondering if this experience – that of being alone, waiting for something that would never come, in a place that would disappear so soon – mirrored my real world experience.

Exploring over, I decided to head to the most popular server. As soon as I arrived on the scene of the big “Apocalypse Party” I found several penguins wandering around. People would periodically greet each other with a ‘wats up’ or ‘hi me pookie.’ The latter was a penguin named Daisynicole4. Caroline2763 wanted to know ‘how are u.’ I wandered over. I told her that I was doing well and asked how she was. She promptly disappeared. Another penguin astutely noted that “she left.” I asked him what his name was. He disappeared. Across the room, a penguin named Wheezy413 started to breakdance and periodically say “SAVE US. THE END IS NEAR. SAVE US.” A penguin I remembered standing on in the pet store, Bran, walked over to Wheezy and stood by him, I assume to give him some sort of comfort. Pancake Dan sat in the corner underneath a clock that declared the time to be 8:03PM (it was 11:03 EST). He said “Hmm,” waited 30 seconds, then said, “Interesting.” I wondered if Dan had begun to lose his sanity. Chipotlefire said, “Hey girls.” Another penguin, Dareeltrevor, came over and said “Hi.” Chipotlefire walked away saying, “Ewww it’s a guy.” He disappeared shortly.

Pancake Dan addressed the room. “Say apple if you’re a penguin.” PS3834743 said “Apple.” Two other penguins said “Pineapple.” One penguin said “Apple corn.” Another said “Orange.” Pav 2000 noted what we were all thinking with a poignant “Intelligence” before disappearing.

I headed to the ski hill, because I really do like a good sled game. The concept is to beat your opponents down a hill. I was joined shortly by two other penguins, and we began to race. They remembered that running into a patch of ice is a good thing because you gain speed, and they both made a beeline for the first patch of ice. I had completely forgotten this, so I was quickly left behind. I suspect this is but the first time I’ll feel inept in adulthood.

At this point, I had had enough fun and games. I was interested in how everyone was feeling considering the impending doom. When I got there, people were already talking. I saw the following chats up: “I was very excited honestly” “And a star was about to crash into the planet” “Hello”. I was unsure what to make of all of this, so, like a true aspiring journalist, I asked, “How does everyone feel about Club Penguin closing?” Coca0615 said “Yay!” I can only assume they were not responding to me. Smoboy22 said “Not really a dude, but an egg.” I asked again. Daisynicole asked “Why?” PS38798432 said “Well it’s time to go” and went into the Pet Shop.

I went to the lighthouse and there was only one other penguin there, named Jlaw. MiniMe started thinking about a magnifying glass, which I assume meant there was treasure nearby.  Not interested in having extra coins that I wouldn’t be able to spend before death, I left and headed to my last stop.

The iceberg. To this day, people wonder if the iceberg can ever truly tip. All of the penguins were standing on the left side. When I got there, one of them was commanding, “Stop dancing and work!” Most of them were vibrating, which was curious, until someone said, “Anyone got a mining hat?” It was then that I realized they were attempting to drill through the iceberg. One man, Mikeboogie, was on the far right side attempting to drill through the iceberg from over there. There’s always one.

Someone in the back was saying, “All me memories have gone down the drain.” Someone else commanded the group to “Get it together.” Another penguin yelled “TIP!” I was struck by the futility of their task – the knowledge that the iceberg would not tip, not now, but that, when struck by their imminent death, all of the penguins gathered together on the left of the iceberg and attempted to do what we’ve always tried to do – get it to tip over. They were using new technology with the drills, but there they were. Day after day, night after night, until the very end. Yelling TIP!

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