Oh SkyMall, who doesn’t love a magazine full of useless things that can only be purchased from 35,000 feet above the ground? It’s sad to report that physical printed copies of SkyMalls have not been available on planes since January of 2015 when the company declared bankruptcy. While the actual catalog will no longer take to the skies, lucky for us, it has a loaded website full of gifts, gags, and giggles to satisfy our consumerist needs. Now celebrating 25 years of providing bored frequent flyers with products they will scoff at and joke about buying, SkyMall has a few First-Class items, some mediocre Coach worthy gifts, and several that just need to be thrown carelessly into the Baggage Hold. Take a gander at some of the best and worst things you could buy through SkyMall.
Personalized Brewery Growler Set- $64.99
Believe it or not, a personalized brewery set actually sounds like decent gift that you could give any man in your life. The 64 oz growler along with a set of four 16 oz pint glasses can all be given a personalized two line name and year to honor a special birthday or anniversary. Growlers have also become a super popular item for craft beer enthusiast and brewers. Several breweries will fill these growlers for you to take home and enjoy without having to deal with buying a six-pack. I’d say it’s a pretty solid buy.
Cubbie Bench- $89.99-99.99
Every home improvement show raves about the utilization of a bench by the front door or mudroom with built in cubbie space. Two birds, one stone, right? You can store shoes, duffle bags, blankets, coats, and so much more while also having a casual sitting area! I would buy it, which says something; it would be a great addition to my apartment. It’s a practical and rational item for SkyMall to sell, and not at too bad of a price either.
Night Glow Toilet Seat- $49.99
Well…umm, yeah WTF. I cannot really imagine what need a glow-in-the-dark toilet seat serves. SkyMall describes it as an easy way to find the toilet when children or the elderly wake up in the middle of the night, but who the hell doesn’t turn on the bathroom light when they get up to pee at 3:00 am? How much light could this toilet omit to not feel the need to turn on the actual light? Is it battery operated? Solar powered? I hope to God it’s not electrical.
It looks like a black light, so that’s gonna be gross.
Best Anti-Bulging Push-Up Bra- $40.00
Who wouldn’t want to buy their lingerie from SkyMall…?! That sounds like a good choice right? It looks like a decent bra and about the same price as you would pay at any Victoria Secret, but this is just too weird. If I was at Macy’s or Kohl’s, I would consider buying it, but the circumstances are just too much for me.
GOP FDR Bottle Opener Set- $14.95
HAHAHA! Good, ole fashion bipartisan bullshit to open your shitty Miller Lite! Who could ask for more? Who wouldn’t think to mix fucked up Americana with our nation’s pastime, beer? Beyond clever. Besides the fact they look disgustingly scary, they look really poorly made.
Roswell, Alien Butler- $99.95
No. No. No. First, why? Second, for $100?! Third, ew. He’s a butler, an alien butler, with flying saucer serving tray. I cannot. This is the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen and I can’t imagine who would buy it. Regardless, if I was SkyMall I would take this off the website. This is the kind of shit that makes people run the other way.
Image credits, skymall.com and Jetstar Airways