Well, as is the case with almost every Loco Mag issue, I did not write every article I wanted. And that’s okay, I do not need to put that kind of pressure on myself every single issue. It’s okay!
Today, Monday March 20, 2023, is the first day back from spring break. I was going to spend time on a piece where I watched the 69th episode of different shows and reviewed them. I did none of that and started watching Succession instead. I did not get done what I wanted to get done, but I did fall in love with Shiv Roy, so I think that’s a win.
Our co editors in chief, Danita and Ryan, gave us 20 minutes to finish any article we wanted to finish but did not get the time to do so over break. So, I figure, why not start one and finish one in 20 minutes? I wasted a good 5 minutes on that intro, so now I’m at 15 minutes.
With my time here today before you all, what do I want to say? What should I turn into content for the masses? I sit here as Arcadia professor Michael Dwyer plays Donkey Kong Aquatic Ambiance music, I wonder what to type.
I find myself in this sort of situation regardless of time constraints. What do I take from my life and turn into content? I look at the world through a lens of what other people will like about my life or my experiences and how I can make them experience it with me. It honestly is an exhausting perspective to constantly put yourself into the minds of others. I feel like that even beyond my responsibilities with Loco Mag and my other job that requires me to create content. I have felt the exhaustion of needing to create and no longer have the drive to do so. Every time it comes, I chicken out of it, convincing myself that I must create it for other people to enjoy and not just myself.
That’s such a bullshit way to live, and I know I’m not alone.
I know there’s a weird irony to me saying this and, yet, turning it into content for others to consume and (hopefully) enjoy. Of course, I recognize that, but truthfully I have been thinking about it all day. “It” being living my life through the perspectives of others.
I came to this train of thought by reminiscing on some recurring dreams of mine involving someone who never liked me the way I thought they did. This is news that came to me mid last year, and it hurt me. But, in all my dreams, this person tells me how much they think about me and how much they miss me. And every time, I tell them I do not like them and stand up for myself.
I realize now that it is easier for me to grasp the concept of someone thinking about me so much that it makes me uncomfortable more than it is for me to grasp the concept of someone never thinking about me again, regardless of how much I dislike them. It is so tiring to live wanting others to like you it seeps into your subconscious.
I have 3 minutes left. Let’s hope I can get my point across.
What this mini stream of consciousness piece is trying to say is this: stop living a bullshit life through the eyes of others. There is love, excitement, fun, and peace to be found within what you can see yourself.
I know I need to hear this too.
My time is up. Happy 69, everyone.
Photo by Marina Vitale on Unsplash
