6 Going on 16

“Lana, I can’t even read this. Why didn’t you get me something cool?”

So says Matteo as he judges my choice of souvenir for him, a cute Arabic book that I bought while I was in Oman for spring break. Sure, he can’t understand the language, but the idea is cool. He wouldn’t be interested in reading such a basic turtle book, anyway. How ungrateful was this reaction? I mean, honestly. Fake a smile, boy.

King of the house, dad’s only son. Regardless of his attitude, my brother is one of my favorite little human beings on Earth. I adore him and I lavish attention on him as if he were my own son. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s surprisingly mature for a 6-year-old (are you 6 or 16?), or our age gap (12 years, woah mom & dad), or the simple fact that he’s not another sister (I have 2), but Matteo is a national treasure. Even though he’s already a butt-obsessed weirdo, he’s my weirdo.

When I asked him if I could interview him—scratch that, told him I was going to interview him—I was met with some resistance, naturally. Why waste his time talking to me for extended periods of time when instead, he can play on Minecraft for hours on end?

Eventually, I f̶o̶r̶c̶e̶d̶ convinced Matteo to sit down and talk to me. The results were… Inconclusive? Was there a point to the interview? (Did we even know what we were researching?) To say the least…

Disclaimer: All of the following material is completely unscripted, so bear with me, please.

Matteo, we’re going to talk about you and your favorite things for awhile, okay?

I am my favorite thing.

…Wow. From the mouths of babes. Okay. Besides that.

What does that mean?

It means that little kids, like you, are super honest.

Are big kids liars?

Sometimes.

Are you a liar?

…Sometimes.

Mom says not to lie, but I took $2 out of her bag yesterday.

Matteo!

What?!

*some confusing discussion and topic changes later

Alright, so tell me about your favorite thing to do.

Go on the computer, couldn’t you guess that?

I probably could’ve. What do you like to do on the computer?

Uh, watch videos and play Roblox.

Is that it?

*with an eyeroll

Noooo. I like to search up stuff, like games, you know, whatever.

What other kinds of stuff do you like to search up?

Games, and stuff.

Yes… And what else?

Umm… That’s pretty much it. I like to be on the computer.

I see. So… Something else, then. What do you think of this picture of yourself?

*pauses, looks at my screen

Snazzy.

Self-confidence goals. Is there anything you wanna say about yourself?

Hmm, no. I don’t really know much.

You know a lot. I want you to just talk. Talk about stuff.

I don’t really know much. My one and only dream is to be a Youtuber. My… Friends, I don’t really know. We just talk, and stuff.

Do you have any funny stories about you and your friends?

I mean, so I was running at school, and I started to trip, and I said, “Mamma mia!” And then I fell. And I got this big scrape.

*he shows me his injury

That looks like it hurt!

Yeah, it did hurt. But now it doesn’t hurt because there’s no more blood. But if I push on it, then it does kinda hurt.

*he gets up and watches me type and laughs when he recognizes what I’m typing

Is it cool to see what you’re saying down on paper?

Yeah. Yeah, I like it.

Well, what do you want to talk about?

I wanna talk about… Like, Five Nights at Freddy’s 4* things.

*in case you don’t know, Five Nights at Freddy’s 4 is just a creepy game.

Okay, talk.

I got jump-scared by Nightmare Bonnie*. Go, look him up.

*This is nightmare Bonnie.

Photo Credit

Ew, what the heck, Matte*?! That’s so creepy!

I know it’s creepy! That’s why I got scared!

*sisterly nickname, pronounced “Mah-tay”

Then why do you play it?

Because it’s fun. And, well, I have to save it for Halloween. Like, aaahh!

You play it even though it’s scary.

Yeah. No. The jump-scare— okay. *he pulls a chair closer

They all show up behind different doors, and, yeah. It’s pretty scary. But then after you complete the night, you go to plush traps, it’s a fun thing to play. To play it, you have 70 seconds to flash the flashlight at him. If you don’t, he jump-scares you.

Matteo, I’m sorry baby, I literally have no idea what most of this means.

Um, you can get free credit for the night if you win.

Still no idea. Can we talk about Minecraft?

Sure. It’s cool, the black words are you talking and the others are me.

Yep.

You wrote a lot about me.

Yep. Because you’re my favorite boy.

Okay, so Minecraft.

Wait, Matte, this is pretty long, do you think we should end it?

No.

What—

Wait until we talk about Minecraft.

Okay. Go on, little king.

In Minecraft, I built Five Nights at Freddy’s 4. It’s pretty decent, but I need to finish it, a little bit. Till I make the walls and the ceiling.

Did you do it all yourself?

Yes, with no help. I made the bedroom, and the whole hall, I just need to do the ceilings, right here, and the floor. *he’s demonstrating with his hands

So no help from any Youtubers?

Nope. No help.

…Well, I did get some help. From Fed X Gaming.

I don’t know what that is.

He’s my new fave Youtuber.

He’s your new favorite? What happened to LDShadowLady?