Even though it’s such a common struggle, I never see anyone talk about how hard it is to interact with others while having autism.
Hi- if you’ve never met me, I’m Anna, and I’ve got autism – tragic, I know. Honestly most of the time I don’t mind having the condition, sometimes it’s even fun being able to think differently than others do. The only downside however is just that- I literally think differently than everyone else.
A lot of people don’t realize that with autism, your brain is quite literally structured differently than someone who’s neurotypical. Honestly, if I’m being real, the toughest part of having autism is not being able to read an interaction and act accordingly to it. You would not believe the amount of times I’ve completely misread a social situation and said some really off stuff without meaning to.
I’m fine normally with just a typical conversation, but the second sarcasm or double meanings enter the picture, I’m cooked. You’d think that after 22 years of life on this planet that by now I’d be able to understand that stuff, but nope- I still can’t tell half the time when my own mother is being sarcastic and teasing me. I in full seriousness nine times out of ten will respond with full seriousness to a joke without even stopping to think, despite how many times I try to remind myself to do so before answering.
While this is a little embarrassing and can lead to some rather funny moments, at least my mother is a safe space for me to be a little bit of an idiot from time to time. The same can be said for my other family members as well as close friends; but, it sadly cannot be said for anyone who doesn’t know me as well as they do.
I know it’s kind of the stereotype that autistic people are emotionless or mean, but to an extent that’s true – at least from an onlooker’s perspective. When I speak to people, a lot of times to myself I sound perfectly normal. I have however been told by several people before that I am cruel, rude, selfish, and so many other things based on my tone, facial expressions, or how I explain things or apologize. This is so genuinely frustrating, because a lot of the time I cannot help how I react to social interactions. I do things the way I do because of how my little autistic brain reads individual situations.
Let’s say for example that I’ve just gotten in trouble at work. My reaction to this would be to first and foremost apologize for whatever I might have done, followed up by explaining what happened. This often includes events leading up to the incident, my thought process and emotions behind the decisions I made, and any other factors I think are necessary for the other party to gain a full, comprehensive understanding of the events. After explaining, I would then follow up with another apology, reiterating once again how I am sorry for my actions or whatever occurred.
A lot of people who know me well, and even others who don’t, a lot of the time understand that I am indeed apologizing, and am sorry for what I’ve done. However, there are still a good portion of people where this form of apologizing doesn’t land. There’s been countless incidents within my life where this comes off as me making excuses for my actions, or has seemed like I’m pushing blame off myself onto something else.
The thing is though, I often overexplain or explain things because that’s what I’d want for myself. If something needs to be done, or if some event happens, I want things to be explained to me fully, and not just a brief explanation. I don’t see that sort of stuff as anything other than getting the full context. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks the way I do.
Still, there’s more to this spiderweb, and that’s the problem of delivery. Sadly, autism gives me the worst resting bitch face in all of history. Now that certainly doesn’t help my case, but what’s even worse is my tone. A lot of times, because I’m so focused on explaining things thoroughly, I neglect to actually put any emotion into my voice. These factors all combined lead to an unfortunate result.
Picture this- you see a woman before you, telling you how you need to edit your article. Though the words she’s saying are kind but firm and meant to help you, her tone is void of emotion, and she looks like she’s practically glaring at you. So, while she’s trying to gently point out the issues of your article, it comes all together looking like she doesn’t care, and that she’s tearing you apart.
That my friends, is what I look like trying to address anything with a moniker of seriousness. I end up being so focused on communicating my emotions well, that I neglect every other aspect of interpersonal communication. Even if I put my all into what I’m trying to say, whatever comes out of my mouth truly sounded better in my head.
Autism sucks sometimes, plain and simple. Kind of makes it ironic then that I – the heavily autistic socially inept student – has ended up as a communications major of all things. Part of me wonders if my own lack of skills in that particular department has led me to where I am now; maybe, my desire to learn how to better my own skills has ended up with me here now, writing this article with my struggles.
In an ideal world, I’d love for everyone to study communications, and to learn how to converse with others. I’d love for others to learn that everyone thinks differently, and that sometimes we as people have to be able to put ourselves outside our own thought processes to better understand others. I know that’s unrealistic, which is why I’m writing this article now. Maybe if others can begin to understand differing thought processes like my own, the issues we experience with communication can be lessened. Maybe things can start coming out just as good as they sounded in my head.
Featured Image made by Anna Stevens
