CONTENT WARNING: Includes mentions of sensitive subjects such as drug abuse, child sexual assault, and other sensitive topics.
Growing up, I was taught that, “Only the good die young.”
“It’s their destiny,” I would hear time and time again.
However, I don’t agree with that at all.
I was often told that “evil people never die.”
Despite this, I have learned that we all have a demon inside of us. All humans do things they aren’t proud of, and that includes me.
I don’t wish to believe that I am all terrible, but I remember a lot of terrible things—things I’ve done that have scarred others, and things other people have done to me that I’ll never forget. If you ask me, the world can truly be a scary place sometimes.
As a child, I had very few fears. This caused me to get hurt a lot, but even in my pain, I felt free. As I got older, I became afraid of everything. I constantly questioned if being myself would upset people. I know I’m flawed, but so is everyone else.
I figured if I hid away and pretended to be something I wasn’t, I would be liked more easily.
If I just drank and did drugs like my peers, and the adult influences around me, I would be liked more. I wanted to fit in, but I see now that this wasn’t the way to do it.
This toxic pattern only led me to more pain. I realized that I needed community. I needed to see the beauty in life and learn how to properly cope with pain. I’ll be honest though—I still sometimes struggle with that.
Mental and physical health issues plague my family and friends. I don’t always feel like I was protected in the ways I should’ve been. I often feel very alone in my struggles. Yes, I am aware that all humans have unique struggles, but sometimes I compare mine to others, and it makes me feel even worse.
I constantly wonder, “Why does pain continue to follow me?”
I obsess about the past, and try to piece together where in my childhood things went wrong, and if I somehow could’ve done things differently to prevent the trauma. But, to no avail, I am left still
searching for answers.
I wish I could tell you that I have all the answers for you. But I’m only 21, and my life feels like it’s just now beginning. I started going to addiction counseling. I chose to abuse steroids and pills (and other substances) as a means for escape. I didn’t want to believe my struggles in life were real, and being high or drunk numbed my pain.
Of course, this was only temporary. When I didn’t take drugs or get drunk, I was miserable. I needed real help. And I finally found some.
I’m usually the type of person who hides my pain. I like to pretend that my problems don’t exist.
Unfortunately, I can only keep up that act for so long, and my mask starts to slip.
During my times of drug abuse, I had been beaten physically and mentally by many people I hoped I could trust. I’ve had guns pointed at me threatening my life. I’ve also been raped and sexually assaulted multiple times. I even had people begging me to sell drugs alongside them. I can confidently say that I only agreed to abuse my own body. I couldn’t sleep at night if I ever chose to sell drugs to someone else. Unfortunately, I still sometimes struggle to mentally cope with the things I’ve done and seen.
If I were to guess, my mental struggles started as young as four years old. I knew I was put up for adoption at a very early age. I also knew my birth family due to an open adoption, and I visited them frequently. In fact, we still talk to each other to this day. But as a child, I didn’t comprehend the situation very well. I was very angry, and I blamed myself. Sometimes other people who barely knew me would blame me, and say that my parents didn’t want me because I was a “bad child.” Keep in mind though, I was put up for adoption as a baby. I’d like to believe this is where my fear of abandonment started.
In elementary school I was beaten up on the playground for months by one of the “popular girls.” It wasn’t until I broke down crying to one of my teachers that it finally stopped. I never realized how truly powerful my voice was. I always wanted to be popular, well-liked, and have a lot of friends, but that was hard for me when most people could tell how different I was. I never really fit in with crowds because I didn’t agree with everyone, which made me “difficult.”
The sexual abuse began around the age of 12 years old, but even before that, people had sexualized me and made me feel like I was nothing but meat. Grown adults would say sexualizing and scary things to me and my family. That alone made me fear a lot of people. Since I was a young child, I felt like I was only an object for people to claim. And unfortunately for me, I wasn’t taught about boundaries until I was much older. It was actually one of my own family members who started the physical and sexual abuse.
I’ve seen firsthand how addiction can ruin families and break the hearts of everyone involved, especially after I overdosed on pills at sixteen years old. When I chose to do that, for a split-second, I wanted to die and put an end to all my pain. But after doing it, I regretted it terribly. Overdosing was one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever personally been through.
I’ve been a culprit when it comes to breaking hearts as well. Many people have felt forced to either distance themselves from me or even cut me off entirely. Nobody truly knows my intentions, but I’ve only ever wanted to be loved for exactly who I am.
As a young child, my parents used to call me “Happy Halley.”
I don’t have many memories of this, but they said I was always smiling and ready for an adventure. And thankfully for me, I still have the ability to smile, laugh, and seek out adventures, but I guess my childlike innocence is now gone.
The honest truth is, I’m not always happy anymore. I feel every one of my emotions incredibly deeply, and I have a strong tendency to get impatient. I also have the ability to lash out at people when I disagree with them, which terrifies me and probably others as well.
Some days, I feel like a true monster. I guess Wednesday Addams was right when she said that, “There are monsters everywhere. And sometimes, the monsters we least suspect are the most dangerous. They don’t need teeth and claws to terrify. They hide in the shadows until no one is looking.” I’ve done more than enough hiding though. I’ve already spent 21 years hiding who I truly am. My only wish all along has been to be seen, flaws and all. We’re all playing the game of life, and I plan to conquer my fears, once and for all.
I no longer care if people see my mistakes and choose to judge me. If people want to hate me for one page of my story, that’s their problem. I wouldn’t be able to tell you everything I’ve seen and done anyways. I may remember a lot, but my memory isn’t perfect.
Nevertheless, I do remember getting arrested. That was one of the most dehumanizing experiences I had ever been through. I now have a criminal record due to domestic violence, and many people have blamed me, when they have absolutely no idea about the true horrors I’ve witnessed. Even my lawyer and the police cautioned me not to fight back or press charges back, even though I knew this person had committed many worse crimes than I had. And yes, I know now that I should’ve called the police or gotten help sooner. But, the past is the past, and I was much younger back then. This is the current life and future life that I am doing everything in my power now to protect.
Having free will scares me a lot, and I constantly fear the unknown. Despite my worries, I genuinely am the healthiest and happiest I have ever been in my life, and I won’t let anyone take that from me. I found my voice, and I plan on using it.
Of course, like all humans, I crave more. I oftentimes feel unworthy of the good I have been provided. I wonder if I’m truly just a selfish person for seeking more than what I’ve been given. I know a lot of people come from hard situations, so I carry around so much survivor’s guilt. I’ve lost many friends to suicide, overdoses, and many other tragic accidents. Sometimes, I feel like misery follows me around at all times.
I honestly can’t think of a single person who truthfully loves every card they’ve been dealt. But now, I’m laying all my cards on the table. I’ll gladly bleed for you all, and show you just a glimpse of the things I’ve been through.
If anything at all, I hope whoever reads this finds peace in knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally getting better through my schooling, despite what I’ve been through in my short 21 years on Earth. My intent has always been to help others, even when I was neglecting my own needs.
I hope that one day, everyone else who suffers beside me, finds that hope too. I’m sure we all want to feel the beauty on this planet that we all call home. I know very well how hard that can truly be, but if I still have faith, I’m certain others can find it too. However, I know at times this is easier said than done.
Through both my good and traumatic experiences, I’ve learned that almost anything is possible when you put your whole heart and head into it. You need to remember to “Just keep swimming.”
Featured image by Cullan Smith on Unsplash.
