In the time of Before, when we were all free to squish like sardines in crowded lines and walk around panting and maskless, there was an unsung hero of the amusement park world.
Think about it– you’re sweaty, you’re exhausted, and your feet are cramping up so bad you think you might just collapse on the spot. You don’t have it in you to hold your barf in for one more rollercoaster, and heat fatigue has left you too nauseous to sit down and eat. What do you do?
Personally, I think dark rides are an underrated amusement park feature. Sure, I love a fast-paced roller coaster, or the teacups, but sometimes it’s nice to sit back in an air-conditioned room to get away from the sun, and enjoy a story less extreme in its execution.
Originally, dark rides were created to be either romantic, scary, or incredibly immersive. Think: Tunnel of Love, ghost trains, or that Hershey Park ride where they “give you a tour” of how they make chocolate.
Today, I’m here to talk about modern dark rides and how well they fit into the romance category. Come with me as I rank Disney World dark rides by how likely I am to make out with someone while on them.
To make a decision, I have to take a few factors into account:
- Speed: Dark ride doesn’t necessarily mean slow-paced. Any rides that jerk you around lose points.
- Wait time: If I’ve waited three hours in line, I don’t want to spend the entire ride not paying attention to what’s going on around me.
- Privacy: This one speaks for itself. Ride vehicles with benches made for four people to sit in a row? Hardly ideal.
- Ride content: Do I want to see what’s going on on the ride? Is what’s going on too upsetting to be making out to?
I’m not including any thrill rides that happen to have dark ride elements, like Splash Mountain for example. I’m also not including rides on tracks that either don’t have storylines or are very, very well lit (PeopleMover, Living with the Land). And, finally, I’m not taking into account any of the shows, even if they aren’t live (It’s Tough to be a Bug, Carousel of Progress, etc.).
All of this, of course, leaves us with:
TEST TRACK:
I hesitate to add this ride onto the list, because anyone who’s ridden this knows that it’s made up of sharp turns. However, it’s classified as a dark ride despite being the fastest ride in all of Disney World, so I’m adding it. I would not make out with someone on this ride; the ride vehicle seats six people in two rows of three. We’re trying to avoid whiplash, concussions, and broken teeth. Do not make out on fast dark rides.
DINOSAUR:
Another ride technically categorized as a dark ride despite its speed– “Dinosaur” is one of my favorite rides at Disney World. It’s fun, fast paced, and there’s dinosaurs everywhere. What’s not to love? That being said, all of the things that make me love it are what put it so low on the list. While it succeeds in being one of the visually darker rides in Disney World, it’s also home to a handful of jumpscares and visually interesting scenes that make me want to pay attention to what’s going on. On top of that, the ride vehicle is made up of two rows of three, meaning it’s lacking privacy.
IT’S A SMALL WORLD:
The only thing keeping this ride from last place is its leisurely pace. There’s so much wrong here– Crowded ride vehicles, the undesirable, looping theme song, the dancing dolls that make intense eye contact and creep me the hell out. Even if I didn’t have a Thing with a capital T about dolls (thank you, R.L. Stein), the ride is brightly lit and usually populated by young children. Plus, I’d like to avoid Pavlov-ing myself into getting that song stuck in my head every time I make out with that person in the future. Do not make out with someone on It’s a Small World.
THE GREAT MOVIE RIDE:
Before they shut it down, this was my all-time favorite Disney ride. Hell, even shut down, it’s still my favorite. It’s the epitome of “Disney magic”: multiple ride experiences (and I’m fortunate enough to have ridden both the A and the B storyline), drama, animatronics, a compelling story line. The cast members that acted in this ride were incredible. Even if I was willing to look away from the ride for a smooch (never would I ever be, even if it were still in operation), it’s a generally well-lit ride with ride vehicles made up of multiple rows of four. There was also a cast member on every single ride vehicle, which would feel a little bit like making out with your prom date right in front of the teacher chaperones. Plus, why would you want to miss all the action sequences?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR’S SPACE RANGER’S SPIN:
I know a lot of people who don’t like this ride for various reasons, but I’m not ashamed to admit that I love it. The wait time is rarely long, it gets you off your feet, and who doesn’t love getting a little competitive? That being said, it’s not a ride I’m eager to make out with someone on, one of the reasons being that I want to absolutely destroy them at the game. It’s dark, it’s slow moving, but it’s way too fun to be ignoring in favor of a little tongue action.
FROZEN:
Honestly, I don’t even want to put this ride on the list. There’s usually a line, it’s always populated with young children, and there’s an unexpected drop near the end of the ride. Besides, those animatronics are so… scary.
JOURNEY INTO IMAGINATION WITH FIGMENT:
Bench seating, lots of children. Moving on.
GRAN FIESTA TOUR:
This is the ride I always use as an excuse to get off my feet and into some air conditioning. It’s cute, and short, and not usually particularly crowded. That being said, it’s another instance of bench seating ruining all the fun. Also, it’s really atmospheric– maybe you should just sit back and relax for a little while.
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN:
This ride’s a classic, and another one of my favorites. It’s dark, and creative, and it smells amazing. The only thing that would make it better would be if they revamped it to look like Shanghai’s version of the ride, which is infinitely cooler. That being said, the ride vehicle holds up to 24 people in rows of three, and while the line isn’t always ridiculously long, it is usually a full ride. If the line is short and your ride vehicle isn’t crowded, I’d say go for it! Just watch out for the drop at the end… You don’t want anyone to lose a tongue.
MICKEY AND MINNIE’S RUNAWAY RAILWAY:
This is a well-crafted ride. Like, insanely well-crafted. I may hold a grudge over the fact that it replaced “The Great Movie Ride,” but there’s no denying that this ride upholds the magic that Disney promises. I could write an entire article about how amazing this ride is, but that’s not what we’re here for, so I’ll get into the meat of why it’s so low on this list: It’s brightly lit, with ride vehicles consisting of two rows of bench seating. Plus, there’s so much going on that I’m not sure I could focus on an intense make-out sesh.
NA’VI RIVER JOURNEY:
Disney’s bench seating strikes again. This is another ride that would be a perfect Tunnel of Love if it had more amenable seats and, frankly, shorter wait times. Why wait over an hour to make out? The ride’s dark with beautiful lighting, and an atmospheric soundtrack. If you’re like me and don’t care about Avatar, then this ride would be a good option on a slow day.
SPACESHIP EARTH:
This ride checks all the boxes. Dark, private (if you’re in the back row of seats), and relatively uninteresting. As much as it’s one of my favorite rides in any of the parks, there’s no denying that the monotonous narration combined with outdated animatronics makes for a secluded, air-conditioned fifteen minutes. The only downside of this ride is that the wait time tends to be on the relatively longer side, but if you can justify it, or get fast passes, this is a top pick. Just… remember to keep in mind that Spaceship Earth does take your photo.
HAUNTED MANSION:
One time in middle school I used the utter horror of the Houdini ride at Six Flags: Great Adventure to snuggle into my date’s side. Decades before that, two teenagers used some slasher film as an excuse to keep each other busy and looking away from the screen. There’s precedence here. Along with being an actually dark dark ride, “The Haunted Mansion”’s ride vehicles seat two people and have high backs that prevent the people behind you from being able to see you. This is an ideal ride to make out on.
Now, please don’t misunderstand this as me advocating lewd acts in public spaces or whatever. These are, of course, all hypotheticals. No one should be making out with anyone (or, frankly, going to Disney) in the middle of a pandemic. Once the pandemic is over, though… I don’t think they’ve closed Spaceship Earth just yet.
