I have never played Genshin Impact before and I never will play it because the graphics hurt my eyes and the story is too complex for my brain to comprehend. I prefer mindless pew pew games like Call of Duty; I just shoot and win. I have decided to rank and provide each character I chose from a list of meals based on first impressions. I also renamed the characters because I could not remember their names for the life of me. And before you eventually roast me, I had my friend who actually plays the game approve my choices.
Bootleg Girl Scout lady: I think she’s pretty cute and I wouldn’t mind sharing some of my Chicken Alfredo with her. She looks like she volunteers at a fire department. She makes me feel safe. 9/10
Soulless ghost lady: I’m pretty convinced this character bites people. She looks like she has seen everything, and she probably eats charger cords. She’s so white and plain…what a tragedy…so I’ll give her some ice soup. 4/10
Mechanic boy: Definitely team captain during gym class. Knows more about cars than your dad. Definitely tells people to sit down as they are about to sit down. He gets some microwavable meatloaf. 5/10
Spicy Tax invader man: This man is giving “tax the rich, but not me” vibes. He has never paid his taxes before but will tell the IRS that you haven’t. He is a polygamist with mommy issues. I give this man fish balls. 3/10
Broke Tax invader man: (see previous) This man is a SCAMMER! THIS MAN WILL PAY YOU $20 FOR A FEE OF $500 AND GET AWAY WITH IT. DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN. HE IS A SERIAL CHEATER TOO, HE BELONGS TO THE STREETS. HE GETS TO EAT THE MOST FOUL AND DISGUSTING DIRT ON THIS EARTH. 0/10
A child: This innocent child gets dinosaur nuggets straight from the frozen aisle in the supermarket. But I also hate children so they might be expired nuggets. 2/10 Side note: apparently this three year old does arson? I am infinitely afraid.
Mommy? Sorry…Mommy?: This needs no explanation 10/10
BDSM queen: This also needs no explanation. 10/10
Another abandoned child: This game has to stop leaving random children around. This one definitely bites. 3/10 Side note: Lilypichu voices her therefore I raise the score to 10/10
Boy scout: There is something about this boy that I do not trust, and therefore I must eliminate him. Some strong rat poison ought to do the trick. 1/10
Update: My friend forced me to play the game for the first time and I died to a ball of slime. -6/10
