Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) – No notes from me, you seem to be doing just fine. Honestly, an amazing performance and I’m not just saying that. Just keep chugging along and we’ll check back in in a few weeks to see how you’re doing. If you haven’t started that fight from last time, better start soon!
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – You’ve been keeping secrets, sweet Taurus, and worst of all, you’ve been keeping secrets from yourself. What is it? I don’t know, it’s a secret. Only you know. The secret that it is. But at the same time, you don’t know the secret because you’ve been keeping your secrets secret. Is the word secret starting to look weird or is that just me? Like somehow it became secret along the way? You’re secretly secretting secrets, secretive Taurus and it’s gonna get complicated fast.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – It’s been a while since you’ve openly wept in public. Consider adding this back into your monthly routine to keep you balanced. It’s better if it comes out of nowhere, perhaps the smallest thing just sets you off and you end up in the fetal position, sobbing uncontrollably in the socially distanced line outside the nearest Trader Joe’s. Once you’ve had a good cry, stand back up and go into that store with your head held high. The other shoppers are also humans living through 2020, they’ll understand. Leave your breakdown out at the store, leave it with those strangers that had to step over you. When you get home, you’ll feel lighter and your home will feel less like a prison sponsored by Netflix.
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul. 22) – It’s time to be brave, cautious Cancer. Think about turning your camera on in more of your classes this month. I know it’s hard and sometimes you spend the whole class just staring at yourself thinking “Do I look different to strangers?” You might feel pressure to be the person to fill any moment of dead air after a question but that pressure is just in your own mind! I once saw a girl cook an entire meal during a class. But you could just sit there, being supportive of your instructor, throwing them a few “listening nods” here and there. I saw that and thought, wow, what confidence! Not only because she had her camera on but she wasn’t even using a recipe! She was just cookin! Can you imagine?
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) – Don’t turn around. Don’t turn around. Count to 10 and then it should be gone. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seve. Eight. Go home. Light a candle. Don’t stop. Nine. No matter what you hear behind you, don’t stop. Deep breath. Ten. Run.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22) – You’re starting to wane Virgo. Don’t forget to do something for you! Self-care is so important, especially right now. You can’t fill anyone’s cup if yours is empty. Do something to treat yourself and make you feel like you again…wait. Is this the same advice I gave you last time? I feel like your thing was self-care last issue too? Dang, you okay? Keep taking care of you! I recommend buying yourself from Lush. Maybe a hair treatment or face mask? I just got their face and body scrub ‘Let The Good Times Roll’. I like it and it smells delicious, highly recommend. We might not have the same skin types though, I get a little oily throughout the day and I’m working on minimizing my pores. What are your skin goals? Whatever they are, I’m sure the kind people at Lush can help. Or order online at www.lushcosmetics.com Take care of yourself Virgo and let Lush do it for you.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct. 22) – I don’t trust you Libra. You’re up to something. You and Taurus. Sneaky little devils. The moon has you all worked up into a tizzy and it’s tempting you to cast some spells and unleash the darkness within. But don’t give in, you’re messing with powers you don’t understand. The witches are not on your side. And I’m not talking about Disney “Virgin Meets Black Flame Candle And Bette Midler Sings A Jay Hawkins Song” kind of witches, I’m talking ‘Suspiria’ kind of witches. If you don’t get that reference, honestly, good! That movie is MESSED UP. And you’ll be too, if you keep listening to the moon. Go on WitchTok, learn your basics, and you should be fine. Good luck and hail Satan.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) – We have to talk about the election. I’m so sorry, perfect Scorpio. This should be your season and instead, as I write this, all there is is uncertainty and fear. It’s either going to be a happy little birthday for us or an overwhelmingly crushing sense of dread and sadness. Maybe by the time you’re reading this the country has already dissolved into a civil war. If so, why are you reading a horoscope? Probably gonna be bad for a while if we’re at war with ourselves. Maybe everything is still fine, I really should pay more attention to publishing dates. Whatever the case, just know I’m here for you. I’m a perfect Scorpio myself. My birthday is just four days after the election. It’s also my 26th birthday which means, no more health insurance for me, during a global pandemic and possible civil war. The existential dread is all consuming. I’m not sure how to turn this one around so just do whatever I told Gemini to do.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – This has been a year full of new things. A new way of life, a new type of classroom, even a new Batman. The only thing not new is your positive attitude. You’ve stayed consistent and strong throughout, like Christain Bale in his trilogy, and for that I commend you. Although sometimes everything seemed like the Ben Affleck Batman, stupid and pointless, you persevered and made it through. The times we live in are random and weird, like George Clooney’s movie Batman And Robin. Although, let’s not blame George, it felt like more of a script issue. Anyway, now, you sit on the precipice of change, you are Rob Pattison and how your year turns out is completely up to you. So don’t mess it up.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – You already know what I’m going to say so I’m not even going to say it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Dye your hair again. It’s been long enough. You’ve allowed your hair to heal, the weak ones have fallen, it’s time to apply the bleach. Let go and let God. Play it safe, touch up the roots, make it bubble gum pink, it literally doesn’t matter just dye your hair. Don’t box dye it though. Order from Sally’s but have it express delivered so you don’t have enough time to talk yourself out of it. Dye your hair and you will get the delicious serotonin that only comes from shredding your scalp of all it’s natural oils. Dye your hair.
Pisces (Fed. 19 – Mar. 20) – You’re so complex. It’s like, how do I even give you advice when you’re so intricate. Simplify. Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you’re acting like you’re somebody else, gets me frustrated. Life’s like this, you fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty. And promise me I’m never gonna find you faking. No. No. No.
