ID and Ideal Advice

Are you or anyone you know having trouble surviving in college? Well look no further! You are not alone in your struggles. We at Loco Mag have some struggles of our own. We’ve compiled some hints and tips to help you and your friends out. Enjoy!

• If you’re making a fake ID, be sure to age yourself at least 20 years. No bouncer will believe you if you say you’re 22, but they’ll definitely fall for 40.

• Whenever you’re taking a picture for an important ID, whether it be a driver’s license or a student card, don’t wake up until 10 minutes before you need to be there. That picture will be with you for a long time, so you want your bedhead to be as messy as possible.

• Right before you get your picture taken for an ID, make a face like you’re going to sneeze. That way, you always look better in person. Looks are the only thing that will get you anywhere, right?

• When riding SEPTA with a ton of bags, either from grocery shopping or coming home after a long trip away, the best place to park yourself and your most bulky personal articles is right in front of the backdoor. Not only is there plenty of room, but it’s not like anyone else is going to get off the bus before you, right?

• Want to crank those tunes in public but are lacking the proper head equipment for private listening? Why pay $10 for some cheap earbuds when you can just turn up the volume and share your shitty music with everyone. Bonus points if it’s 8am on a Monday and you’re seated in the Quiet Ride car.

• Spring is fast approaching and that means the sniffles are a’coming.You’ll probably just want to skip out on the tissue packs when out, though. Sneezing unabashedly into the air and onto the strangers around you without covering your nose or mouth is socially acceptable and everyone gets sick eventually anyway, so who cares? Not you.

• Uh-oh. The garbage can in your dorm’s kitchenette seems like it’s starting to overflow with crusty paper plates and red solo cups — what should you do? That’s easy. Just keep piling your disgusting trash in there until the Garbage Fairy magically (and totally-not-resentfully) makes all the mess disappear.

• Washing your hair in the shower can be a real pain, especially if you have long curly hair that keeps on coming out and sticking to the wet tile. It’s a good thing your shower’s drain can easily handle insane amounts of human hair being swept down there.

• Do you have laundry to get done but only 15 minutes before your next class? Don’t worry about it! Be sure to use up at least three of the washing machines. Afterall, it’s not like any other people have laundry to do. Feel free to annoy everyone by leaving it in there while you head off to your class.

• Coming back to your dorm room at around 2 am? Is your room mate asleep? Stay on her good side by making as much noise as possible. Bang a couple drawers, throw your purse around the room, yell goodbye to your friends. Extra friendship points if you shake her/him to ask them if they’re awake. Remember, you’d want them to do the same for you.

• So you just got back from a nice date with a really nice guy/girl. You want to take things into the bedroom, things have been getting pretty steamy. You walk into the room and the tension’s off. You two start going at it on your bed. What a great rush of adrenaline and emotions. Then you hear some coughing and loud throat clearing. That’s right! Luckily for you and your roommate, you didn’t warn them. They’ve been there in the room the whole time. Should you leave? Nah, just tell them they’ll need to find somewhere else to stay for the night. They’ll understand.

• If you see someone holding food in their hands, chances are they’re offering the food to you as well. Why bother asking when they’d just say yes anyhow? Just reach over and snag some of it!

• Have you ever scrolled online and saw someone absolutely beautiful, you almost wish you were them? Well, what’s stopping you? Go ahead and call a plastic surgeon. Change your entire face, turn yourself into Taylor Swift. Go on tour with Fetty Wap. Change the world.

• If you make fake ID’s, make sure to publicly distribute them. Overcharge, if you want. Hand them out at your local police station.

• Has your relationship been somewhat dull lately? Spice it up by changing your identity every few days. Invest in a few wigs, and Botox. Your partner will never see what’s coming.