Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) – You’ve been quiet for too long, Aries! Get into a fight for no reason. You’re a boss bitch and if people forgot that then you have no choice but to take it as a personal attack. This month, it’s time to figure out who your real friends are! If you start a fight with someone and they fight back, congratulations, that’s a true friend and equal. If you try to fight someone and they back down immediately, they are boring and most likely ugly.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) – Start a new routine and follow through every day this month. Maybe every morning you dress in a disguise and stand outside your own window, holding a boombox ala the John Cusack classic ‘Say Anything’. This will give the illusion that you are, in fact, the main character of the neighborhood. Everyone will be like “Maybe we should call the police? Wait no, all cops are bad. Wow so-and-so is so interesting. I wish I was that interesting.” Then go ahead and follow John Cusack on Twitter, he has a lot of nice things to say and I think it would resonate with you.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – Do what you want but whatever you do, do not, I repeat, DO NOT take an elevator past the eighth floor. Other than that, have a great time.
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul. 22) – Your best Aries friend is going to start a fight with you this month. It’s imperative that you fight them back. If you want to keep that friendship, you’ll punch them right in the mouth. This will show them that you’re not willing to let their issues affect the relationship. They will respect you for punching them and you will reach a new level of trust and intimacy within the friendship. Watch a few youtube videos, though, so that you don’t break your thumb. I also want to be very clear, even if they’re just trying to fight you with words, use your fists and punch them in the face.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) – You need a break from the chaos and need time to heal. You’ve taken on a lot of responsibilities and in order to recover from the perpetual retrograde fatigue, you just have to do one last thing. Call Mitch McConnell and demand that the Supreme Court seat is not filled until after the election. It takes just a few minutes and here’s the number: (202)224 – 2541 .
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22) – Happy Belated! Your season has come to an end, sweet Virgo, and honestly thank Goddess! Birthdays are hard and a birthday in a global pandemic definitely calls for some self-care. I hope you made the most of your special day and if someone didn’t wish you a happy birthday, that person is toxic! There’s no excuse for not reaching out right now. This birthday has shown you who your real friends are and who is really your enemy. But don’t fret, having enemies makes you interesting and important. Subtweet those psychic vampires and let them know that you know that they’re a selfish person.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct. 22) – IT”S SPOOKY SEASON, WITCHES. Cast your spells, dance in the moonlight, literally be burned at the stake! It’s your birthday month and to set the mood you should definitely buy that huge skeleton I’ve seen all over the internet. If you don’t know what I’m talking about just google “giant skeleton halloween decoration”. I think it’s from Home Depot? Just pamper yourself in some way because you are a celestial being and it’s your month to ascend. No one loves you like you love you, so buy yourself everything. Clear the cart and fill your heart.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) – You are so beautiful. You are so perfect. Play the lottery, go for gold, apply for the job. Everything you go after, you’ll get. The world is yours and everyone else is wrong. You’ve never been wrong. What would that even feel like? Probably bad. Manifest your way to the top because I’m pretty sure you have magical powers. You’re a witch, but unlike Libra you will not be burned at the stake. You’re actually the mayor of the town and you’re burning all the Libra imposters cause spooky season is yours and not theirs. You go star child, shine on with your bad self.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Pass.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Allow people to check in on you. Be taken care of. Ask your friends for money. Tell them that you’ll pay them back but don’t, because technically they still owe you from six months ago when you could still go out and you paid for their dinner cause they forgot their card. Which seemed bogus at the time anyway cause it’s like how did they not have Apple Pay? Or Venmo?? Everyone has venmo. Ask your friend for money, and say “Give me your money or we’re not friends anymore.”
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – It’s finally time to unfriend your uncle on Facebook. Just do it. You’ve thought about it for a while now and even though you want to respect your family, sometimes people just don’t deserve respect. And that’s ok. Maybe just delete your facebook app completely. What is it even good for these days? Yes, sometimes a post with 123 comments is the perfect novel to read at bedtime but there comes a time in every air sign’s life when you have to take a step back and say, “Am I ok?” And you’re not. And it’s Facebook’s fault.
Pisces (Fed. 19 – Mar. 20) – Take a nap. Please, we’re all just like begging you please just take a nap. Sometimes you don’t need to contribute to the world, just like take a shower and scroll on Tiktok in your towel until you drift off to dreamworld. Your friends love you, and you’ve done nothing wrong, you just really need some rest.
