I was struck with some of the worst anger I’ve felt in my life in November of last year.
A month prior, an unexpected emergency had thrown the lives of everyone in my family off track and into the unknown. My initial denial of how bad the situation was was something I used as a defense mechanism in the moment. The absolute severity and longevity of it all struck me weeks after it had happened, and I was left to fester with the wounds that had gone untouched since then. Finding myself spiraling, there wasn’t much my mind could cling to other than one question: why?
I broke down. I couldn’t handle what had happened anymore. My mind had cracked under the pressures of seeing my family suffer and the unanswered questions nagging us daily. What was there to hold onto? Would life be like this forever? Why did my father have to go through all of this? Why did my mother have to shoulder every burden? Why us? Why now? Why?
I didn’t want to attend any of my classes. I didn’t want to see my friends. I didn’t know if it was worth the effort to even try to do anything. Regardless, I forced myself to walk to class the next day.
I had forgotten the leaves had turned. I had forgotten how beautiful autumn afternoons were when I stepped out into them. I had forgotten that things can still be beautiful even though everything seemed hopeless. It was simple. It wasn’t a life changing decision to simply walk to class as I usually do–but it meant the world to me.
It’s incredibly easy to choose to do nothing to help ourselves when we feel we can’t be helped, so even the most miniscule of tasks can seem daunting and unachievable. Watching the world from the outside as we let ourselves wilt away seems like the only option when we’re right in the middle of a difficult situation. It feels like it will take a grand gesture handed to us from life to pull us out, and a lot of times, that just isn’t the case.
Am I saying it’s wrong to feel negative emotions? Absolutely not. Hell, it’s what makes us human. Allowing ourselves to feel upset and hopeless and angry is a better thing than feeling nothing at all. However, we have to let ourselves heal at some point.
I have found that the smaller decisions I make when I feel terrible have helped me more than trying to come up with a larger solution in most cases. Focusing solely on big questions with big answers only leads me to feeling more hopeless and stuck. Small things that I may not even be consciously choosing to do have helped me see the good in the world better than any attempted life changing fix has brought me.
There was a night not too long ago where I got angry again. I ended up laying on my living room floor in the dark at around midnight. I eventually went outside onto my balcony. It was a beautiful, warm night and the sky was clear. I texted my roommates and told them that it was lovely outside, and one of them ended up joining me out there. We sat and talked for a bit. It wasn’t anything extraordinary, but I went to bed feeling eternally grateful for the people I lived with.
Small choices like leaving the place where you feel stuck or spending some time with people you enjoy being around aren’t permanent solutions. Did sitting down and doing some of that puzzle cure my dad? No, but that would probably have been really cool if it did. But, sitting there and simply putting pieces together as I listened to commentary videos on YouTube helped me recenter and focus on something else. It was simple. I didn’t even finish the puzzle itself until weeks later. But it helped me even just for a moment.
Hearing advice from people who aren’t depressed or struggling say “go outside!” or “do one of your hobbies!” is genuinely infuriating sometimes. It feels like baseless advice from someone who thinks life has simple solutions. I know that it makes me personally want to do those things even less. That said, the beauty of small, simple choices is incredibly underrated. Even if for a brief moment, being able to have a shift in perspective can be a reminder of what is good in life or even a time to bring yourself out of the slump you may be in. Obviously, it’s important to work towards that big overall goal of bettering yourself in whatever way that may mean for you, but it is easy to forget that its important to help yourself in the moment, as well.
I would love for all my problems to magically disappear and for life to become normal. That isn’t possible. But, being able to leave my room and spend some time with the friends that I live with or just sitting outside can make things feel—even for just a moment in time—that things can be okay.
Featured image credited to Silvestri Matteo via Unsplash.
