If I have been feeling anything lately, it’s horribly lonely. There is a certain melancholy that comes with loneliness, specifically the loneliness felt when you do have people but you still, despite all odds, feel alone. Hopeful for a change, I went out of town for 2 nights and visited my partner. It did help in the moment.
And yet, as I sat on the train to go back home, it came back to me. I couldn’t help but feel that once I went back home, I would be isolated again in the confines of myself. This train ride, unlike most, I remembered my headphones. This knowledge felt like a blessing, especially as I was in a shit mood surrounded by other commuters leaving Jefferson station that evening. If there was anyone I wanted to accompany me through this train ride among the lonesome mass of people, it was singer-songwriter Mitski. Sure, putting her music on shuffle and staring at nothing was what I did on the train ride down, but I allow myself to sit with my sorrow when I can. Whatever, my sorrow will pass. But, for the moment, I allowed myself to be sad and to observe the people around me. I hit play.
“Pink in the Night” (2018) from Be the Cowboy
I have a lot of love for this song. The way it is produced is so ethereal, an unreal composition of sound and vocals. It perfectly portrays its meaning: glowing pink because you’re so in love. A warm blanket in the middle of space, curled up in the stars with the one you adore.
I put my music on by the time we left the underground tunnel connecting Jefferson station to the Temple stop. I didn’t realize just how dark it had gotten in the time I was waiting. Fall is truly here.
“I Want You” (2013) from Retired from Sad, New Career in Business
Ah, one sided love. Been there, done that. Not anymore. However, my current wonderful partner who loves me doesn’t take away all the times I have cried to this song. It is the perfect song to marinate in misery because even though I do not feel the same brand of misery I used to when I initially sang this song with tears and snot running down my face, I have formed a deep emotional bond to this song that I cannot get rid of.
The woman diagonally from me asks to sit next to me so she can face forward. I get the sense she is new to the whole train ride thing, so I move my backpack so she can sit. We are all virtually silent, except for a woman speaking far too loud on the phone. If I wanted to, I could hear everything she said. I don’t feel like wasting my short attention span and low energy on it, though.
“Francis Forever” (2014) from Bury Me At Makeout Creek
This song rips me apart. The grief portrayed in this song is so visceral and relatable. How do you even act when you lose someone who was once so all encompassing in your life? How do you live a life outside of them? I don’t know, if I think about this song and how it makes me feel I may throw up and stare at the floor for hours on end.
Jesus Christ, it’s dark. I can hardly see the Jenkintown-Wyncote stop. The woman next to me—now, I don’t mean to look, my eyes just wander—has the Landsdale/Doylestown line map pulled up on her phone. She is for sure new at this, which is an anxious feeling I am all too familiar with. She told the man she was getting off at Colmar, so a large part of me is hoping she gets there safe and can relax once she arrives wherever she’s going with her suitcase and backpack.
“Bug Like an Angel” (2023) from The Land is Inhospitable and So Are We
While I do not relate to the ways in which staring at the bottom of the glass feels, this song makes my mind and body feel something indescribable. I remember during my first listen when the song was released as a single, the chorus of people singing together made me feel pushed into my mattress by its sheer melancholic weight. I felt invisible vomit in my throat, threatening to burst forth. Lots of Mitski songs make me feel a similar way, but this one continues to take me by surprise.
Glenside station is next. Part of me is tempted to jump off and go back to my college apartment to go back to how things were. When I felt less lonely. I can see the familiar fairy lights of the neighboring restaurant. In the window, I see myself. God, my bangs look stupid at this length. My mom likes to tell me she thinks I look pretty with my bangs pushed off to the side. I agree until my bangs get too long. When that happens, they look strange and awkward.
“Buffalo Replaced” (2023) from The Land is Inhospitable and So Are We
This song, while I haven’t fully given it a personal connection to myself yet, is just so fucking good. Like the rest of the album, this song is a masterpiece in terms of lyricism and production. Not much to say other than I just love listening to it.
North Hills. Another really dark stop. A man got up to get off but he may have just barely missed it. He didn’t seem in a rush, though. Still, I’m glad my stop is at the end of the line so I don’t have to worry about that happening. My partner Eddie made us both breakfast. It included some sort of egg thing that he bought. It was pretty good, but it has been wreaking havoc on my stomach since this afternoon. I swear to God, if this becomes an issue while I am still far from home, I’m gonna be pissed. The train stopped briefly, I’m not sure why, but since I have started taking the train, I have been telling myself “If there is any cause for concern when the train stops, the train would not be running anymore”. So, we keep going.
“A Pearl” (2018) from Be the Cowboy
This song encapsulates the fears and uncertainty that comes from being loved after being mistreated or unloved in some way. It is very reflective of my obsessive thoughts and spiraling worries at the start of my current relationship. The thoughts that would make me roll over and cry at the smallest stuff. God, that was a year ago already. I have learned to be more comfortable in being loved, but I still do adore this song.
Aside from the awkward length and positioning of my bangs, I look very pretty in my reflection. My eyes look tired and sad, but I still look pretty. A lot of the people behind me get off at Fort Washington, which lessens the crowd pretty immensely. I do like that.
“I Will” (2014) from Bury Me At Makeout Creek
Doing everything to care for the one you love. Making sure you do what you can to make them feel loved and safe in the warmth of your arms. This is a lovely, lovely song. One of my favorite love songs. I am so glad the love I can experience lets me feel this way.
Usually, whenever I get on a train, I have to pee immediately. It is like my brain knows for an hour and fifteen minutes I will not have the luxury of doing so, so it plays tricks on me. It took me until now, but the feeling is starting. God, this shit is annoying, but it isn’t too bad yet. I hope I don’t have to Uber home from the station, even though I truly hate getting my sister to drive me places. I can tell she hates it and I feel pathetic doing so. Shit, the Ambler station parking lot is eerie and dead in a way that makes me feel the presence of loneliness pretty strong. A lot of people got off here. I wonder if the annoying phone lady got off yet.
“The Frost” (2023) from The Land is Inhospitable and So Are We
Listening to this song for the first time recently was like getting hit with a baseball bat over and over again. I feel as though friends and people I love slip through my fingers and I cannot stop it. This song portrays the horrific relatable moments of wanting to share moments with friends lost. These friends feel like they can never be brought back. I am always thinking of and mourning the friends I have lost. I don’t know if I have ever had a major, horrible falling out with one, but the slow, subtle losses seem to linger.
Last winter, a man working on the train told another rider that the best way to remember the order of train stops was to think of PA going into Philadelphia: Penllyn then Ambler. I always think of him when I take the train. Leaving from Ambler, I can know Penllyn is next because of him. Oh god, a woman moves between cars while the train is still moving. That scares the shit out of me. Another person does it. Guys, stop, I do not want to witness someone die via stupid train behavior (I know the risk probably isn’t that high, but I am fragile and my anxiety is high). Shit, the girl is on the phone again, loud as all hell.
“Humpty” (2013) from Retired from Sad, New Career in Business
Probably my favorite Mitski song. Well, the one that makes me want to curl up and die more than the rest for sure. I remember hearing this song for the first time as I sat alone in my first college apartment. I had a few days to myself before my roommates got there, so I got sad and lonely. From the moment I first listened to it up until now, I feel an overwhelming gut punch every time I hear it. Trying to fix something you yourself broke only to find you have no possible idea how to fix it no matter how desperately you try. The consequences of self-sabotage. Fuck, this song was probably made for me to hear and cry to. That was Mitski’s evil plan.
The woman next to me is also listening to music. Again, my eyes wander. She holds her phone close to her face to read the title of a Morgan Wallen song and, after a moment, decides to skip it along with multiple other songs. Before I do anything when I get home, I have to ask my friends Danita and Ryan if they like my article idea. I am starting to have doubts, but I’ll persist. The woman on the phone still talks. The couple behind me talk a little louder, but they’re behind me so of course I am going to hear them pretty well. I don’t hold it against them. Unlike phone girl. We are stopped at Gwynedd Valley now and I see the restaurant that I had my sixteenth birthday dinner at. I had cannolis placed in the shape of a 16. I got a black opal ring from my step grandmother, who was given one by her grandmother if I remember correctly. I love that ring.
“I Don’t Like My Mind” (2023) from The Land is Inhospitable and So Are We
Much like “Humpty”, this song is one of the ones that truly destroys me. In the short time it has been out, I have felt terrible listening to it multiple times already. Hearing it for the first time was such a rude awakening. Like damn, this is really how I feel too. Just obsessive thoughts, trying to do an egregious amount of shit to distract myself, and having it backfire on me miserably only to repeat the process.
Phone girl is talking about an Eagles player and defending him. She mentions someone knelt during the national anthem and I am worried about where this conversation will go. It can really go one of two ways and I really do not want to listen to a racist rant on the train. Or ever, for that matter. The woman next to me seems to have relaxed a bit, but she is still alert and obviously a little anxious about her journey. Let me check and see if my sister can get me.
“First Love/Late Spring” (2014) from Bury Me At Makeout Creek
The level of devotion to someone that Mitski displays in this song being so overwhelming and suffocating is deeply personal to me, especially during my times of experiencing compulsory heterosexuality. The way I would need so bad that I would crave something external to end it was a vicious cycle. I would listen to this song, oblivious as to why it hit so hard.
PHONE GIRL IS GETTING OFF!! EVERYONE REJOICE!! Wait, short lived celebration. I have to Uber at night. Fuck. Why is scheduling an Uber so much more expensive? I hate spending money so, so much.
“Why Didn’t You Stop Me?” (2018) from Be the Cowboy
If you want me to be honest about where I first heard this song, I will hesitantly tell you the truth. It was on a playlist for the characters Gojo Satoru and Geto Suguru from Jujutsu Kaisen. I mean, I can see why this song suits their storyline. Hell, suits me too. I need to cut ties. But will you stop me when I try to? Can’t you see I am making a mistake here? Maybe I’m not, but I need you to tell me I am.
We are getting close to Landsdale. I’ll be here next Monday when I meet a friend here. I haven’t seen her in months. I hope she still thinks I’m cool. What the fuck was that squeaking? Was it the train? For normal reasons? Just got the idea for the article name, better pitch that to Danita and Ryan as well.
“My Love Mine All Mine” (2023) from The Land is Inhospitable and So Are We
Potentially one of my new favorite Mitski songs. Fuck, it’s so beautiful. It’s true, we really own nothing on this Earth other than our love. She really hit the nail on the head with that one. Been thinking about it a lot lately, too. It’s really all we truly have, and that is not by any means a bad thing. Love in all its forms is beautiful.
Okay the couple behind me was not a couple at all, but a mother and daughter. God damn it. Sorry to them. In my defense, I have been listening to music and didn’t look at them once until they got up to get off just now. Part of me hopes that now that there is more open seating, the woman next to me will move. Nothing against her, I just want space. Colmar is really close, though, so it doesn’t really make sense for her to move. She just went “oh shit,” because apparently, she, too, needs to get an Uber. I tell her she can schedule one and she thanks me. She seems nice.
“Working for the Knife” (2022) from Laurel Hell
Another thing I have been thinking about a lot lately: the creative drought that comes from needing to create for others rather than yourself and the pressure it puts on you to create and work to survive. No matter what I do as a career, it will be for someone else and never truly myself. I will never work for myself, always for people I will never truly know and for a system that won’t truly value me as a person.
The woman next to me chuckles to herself as she tries to figure out how to schedule a ride. There is a man sitting diagonally from us who wakes up to try and call someone. His phone is ringing. It doesn’t seem like they’re going to answer. The announcer says Fortuna is next, meaning the woman next to me is one stop closer to ending her journey on the train. A man just opened and closed the door between cars several times for whatever reason and it was entirely too loud. The people on the other end of the guy’s phone never picked up.
“Stay Soft” (2022) from Laurel Hell
This song’s message about vulnerability and it being taken advantage of is one I know all too well. That said, when I listen to this song, I am mostly thinking about how fun it sounds. The people who hated the fun and more upbeat production of some of the songs on Laurel Hell are on my shit list. Do you hate having fun?
The woman watches the train map next to us, sitting up and clearly anxiously waiting for Colmar. The announcement for Colmar was so loud and muffled that I felt it in my bones. The train is coming to a stop and she starts getting up. Her backpack says her name is Brianna. As she leaves, Brianna flashes me a classic white people smile over her shoulder and heads off. I hope she gets to her Uber okay. The guy working the train asked me where I’m going and he’s trying to tell me how to get off the train. I know how to find an open door, man, but thanks. God, I’ve gotta get in my own Uber soon. I really hate spending money.
“A Burning Hill” (2016) from Puberty 2
I don’t think I realized how short this song is until I went to work on this piece. It feels so stuck to me that it seems longer, I suppose. Regardless, this song hits me because I feel like I am in a constant state of wanting to start anew. To torch everything, cut ties with everyone but a few people, and just start completely fresh. Like that would be what I need to cure whatever is going on with me. So, maybe one day I’ll wear my own white button-down and learn to love the littler things.
I have never scheduled an Uber before, so I hope I don’t have to wait at the station in the dark for very long. I mean, even if the driver got there early, I’d feel bad that they’d have to wait for me. The man is trying to call whoever it is he is trying to call again. I hope they pick up for his sake, but it doesn’t seem like they did this time.
“Goodbye, My Danish Sweetheart” (2013) from Retired from Sad, New Career in Business
Again, with the losing people due to my own personal faults and insecurities. Most people feel as though they become worse the more you get to know them. As if becoming vulnerable and open is a trait that only leads to failure and collapse. I mean, the ugly stuff can come out, but everyone has a bit of it at least. That said, this song is representative for just how amplified this can become in my own mind. I don’t want whatever image people have of me as they get to know me to be how they see me. The pristine, clean version of me they see in passing is what I want them to remember. All I can do is hope that who I am to them isn’t as bad as I think and that how they tell other people about me is presentable.
My driver has been confirmed. Seems like he’s got good reviews so let’s hope nothing shady happens. We’re starting to slow down., which must mean we are about to stop to wait for the inbound train and the train tracks to switch. I was right. They started making announcements for it recently, which I really could have used during my first train ride home. My phone was at 3%, the train had stopped with no warning, and I was convinced something was very wrong. I felt like a kid as I texted my mom that she may have to pick me up on the side of some street outside of Chalfont. But I know better now and also try to charge my phone more before train rides, too. I even got a cool portable charger before my trip down this time. We’re starting back up again.
“Love Me More” (2022) from Laurel Hell
A huge part of my compulsory heterosexuality phase was the impression that the love of someone else would fix me. That if I was loved enough and if that love was good enough for the world, then I would be validated and that my existence would settle into something easy. Every failed attempt at loving men and trying to get them to love me back felt like an uphill battle, just desperately trying for something to fix me. Obviously, that is not how love works. I know that now, but I still like this song a lot. Again, Laurel Hell has some really fun production.
Oh my god my driver is arriving early. Fuck I hope he doesn’t have to wait long whenever he gets there. We are really going fast now, which is nice. Probably won’t last long though. I appreciate it though, I need to use the bathroom and I really want to go to bed.
“I Bet on Losing Dogs” (2016) from Puberty 2
Once again, Mitski supporting me through the failures and healing of a horrible experience with one sided love. She seems to be very good at that, and I appreciate her for it. The desperation in trying to get someone you love to just love you back and to treat you with equal love is such a depressing state, one that feels like pure hell on Earth. What kind of life are you supposed to imagine with someone who stops trying? And, yet, in the moment, they feel like our only option. God, don’t ever fucking do that to yourselves.
The guy is on the phone now, so I guess they called him back. I can’t make out the conversation, but I probably shouldn’t try since that’s rude. I’m just happy that he managed to end his game of phone tag. My back hurts so bad and I have work at 8 tomorrow morning. Fucking wonderful. Oh, fuck my driver is arriving soon and I am like 10 minutes away. Fuck this is a nightmare I hate making people wait. You’re fucking kidding me. To make matters worse, my bangs still look stupid. I need to wash my hair.
“The Only Heartbreaker” (2022) from Laurel Hell
Going into my current relationship and even occasionally now, I felt as though I was not always good enough for my partner and that any mistake that is made is mine and mine alone. I take the mental burden of being the mistake maker. In my mind, especially at the beginning of our relationship, I could never see him fucking up and giving me a reason to be upset because he knows what he’s doing. I didn’t know what I was doing. Relationships are equal and we are both prone to mistakes and he has never made me feel otherwise, but mentally I am still convinced that the role of mistake maker is me and only me.
That being said, I look really pretty despite the weirdness of my bangs. I wish I could capture how it looks in my reflection. Not for vanity (eh, kind of actually) but as a drawing reference. The light is really cool how it is hitting my face, I’d love to use it as practice. But I know it wouldn’t be a good picture because my phone probably can’t capture my reflection in the window as nicely as it looks in person. Looking out, I can also see how dark the Del Val station is. Oh, only on my side it seems. I see out the other side that there is either a football game or practice going on right now. Phone guy got off, maybe he is involved with the team somehow. That makes me the only one left in this car. Shit, is anyone even in the car behind me? I love the idea of not sharing the train with people, but it’s also very eerie and, honestly, pretty lonely.
“Nobody” (2018) from Be the Cowboy
What a perfect song to end my lonely train ride during my week of crushing loneliness. There is a reason this song is popular. I get it. It is the perfect loneliness song. One to sob to and sing through said sobs because it is all you can do since you feel there is no one there to be by your side. A song that is created to be there during your most isolated moments as a companion. Asking for help feels like asking people to be sorry for you, but that would feel worse than the loneliness itself. All we can ask for is someone there. But we don’t feel we get it. So, we grapple with the empty comfort of nobody by our side.
I’m realizing now that it might be tough for me to find my Uber in the dark. I really want to get in the right car. The train seating sticks to me in the worst way possible, one day my thigh skin is going to stay stuck and the SEPTA workers will see my fucking gross dismembered thigh skin on the job. That would be so embarrassing. No wonder my partner Eddie compares me to a deer, I sure am standing like a baby one as I wait for the train to pull into the station. I am glad no one is here to see me wobbling. Except I think there’s a silhouette of a man standing in the car behind me. I don’t see anyone standing though. There really is nobody there with me as we pull into the station. It is just me.
