Throughout my life, up until this point, I’ve been a college kid. I remember boasting in elementary school about getting into college. Throughout middle school, I took part in scholarship programs that led me into high school. And in high school, I did everything possible to scout out different schools. I went on college trips, shadowed students, and got involved in college readiness programs. Now that I’m in college, I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with myself.
I could go on and on about my major and the things I wanna do in the future, the things I’ve accomplished thus far, and the things I plan to do after college. Nevertheless, I find myself asking more philosophical questions, rather than rational ones. Things like, who am I? What can I bring to the table in a relationship? What are my morals, values, and goals? How will I change the world?
How will I change the world, you ask? How could a 19-year-old change anything, especially if they don’t know who they are themselves? In a very non-egotistical kind of way, I’ve always thought I would change the world. I found comfort in that when I didn’t know the specifics of what I wanted to do, just knowing I had the capability of changing the world one day was enough for my little mind. Now that I’m older, I know changing the world takes a little more than some teenage angst and a social media account.
But in reality, it’s almost impossible to think philosophically about life at this age. I’m a 19-year-old sophomore in college hoping to make a future for myself. Why am I here? That’s both, why am I here in a “Why did my parents conceive me” kind of way, and a “Why am I here, at this specific point in time, in this specific year, at this specific school, hanging out with this specific group of people”. Do you ever wonder about those things? I know I can’t be the only one.
Sometimes it’s hard to think so philosophically about a world so irrational. Why don’t politicians think so critically about the state of our country? Why don’t individuals show each other kindness despite sharing a type of human-hood that links us together? Everything’s a little wonky, and if you try to make sense of it, it’ll only get wonkier.
I think the goal in life is to sort out your own wonkiness, and appreciate the wonkiness of everything around you, despite the wonk. Taking the good with the bad, and the wonky with the non-wonky. Eventually, you find a place, a community, a home for your wonky little heart. Or maybe you find multiple homes, and maybe those places change over time.
I’m not a particularly religious person, but I do believe in the idea of a universe. I find myself leaning towards a certain spirituality that toys with the reasoning of our existence. Perhaps Onmism? The belief or respect in all religions, and all their gods or lack thereof. I usually take a little bit from a lot, when it comes to how I experience religion. It’s like having your own little basket, taking what you need, and what resonates with you, and leaving the rest for others to take.
No matter what my final destination is, I know that no matter what, I’ve been on the right path up until now. If I keep going down this road, I don’t know where it’ll go, but I do know it’ll be my journey. My path. My own adventure to find the home where my wonky little heart can thrive. And I hope that for you too.
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