I don’t know what I want to do with my life.
It’s honestly comedic that society almost forces you into making a decision on what you want to do for the rest of your life even though you’re still a child, not even 18. How am I supposed to know what I want to do?
Like every other eighteen-year-old, I am constantly changing my mind. Recently, I’ve been regretting the fact that I’m even in college. Before starting my senior year of high school, I originally wanted to take a gap year, but my mom was strongly against this idea. In all fairness, I would’ve lost most of my scholarship money, and the point of my gap year would’ve been to work and then travel. So my mom and I came up with a compromise and I decided to go to a college with an excellent study abroad program. That way, I can get my degree while also traveling as much as possible.
I don’t want to seem ungrateful for being privileged enough to receive higher education, but sometimes I just feel like I made the wrong decision. I decided on a very small, liberal arts college, which is still a great school, but sometimes I just wish I chose a larger state school, such as Penn State or West Chester, so I could get that classic college experience.
But I can’t go back in time and change my decision.
Starting college was only the beginning of the major decisions I would make. After moving onto campus, I decided to transfer to a different store location for my part-time job, one that was closer to my college campus. However, after my first shift at the new location, I realized I hated working at the new store. I decided to give it a week until I would ask to transfer back to my original store location. During this week of waiting, I couldn’t stop thinking about all the opportunities I would miss out on this new location, but I was also considering the promotion I could get if I returned. I still felt like an absolute loser stressing over this stupid part-time retail job that I love. Honestly, I did end up transferring back to my old store to try and get that promotion. However, after making this decision I couldn’t stop thinking “Can I even move on?”
I always believed that the girls at my high school would never move on, but I guess I’m the one who can’t move on. I am still in my hometown, visiting my old high school, working my old part-time high school job, and pretending everything is the same as it was a year ago.
Now, my most recent struggle relates back to my choice of college. I’ve now been debating on whether I actually want to transfer to a different school. A lot of the friends I’ve made here have been discussing transferring recently, so naturally I’ve started thinking about it too. But, to be honest, I’m not quite sure if that’s what I want either. What if I leave and I hate it, like what happened when I transferred store locations for my part-time job?
I used to pride myself on having a plan for what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Now, I’m asking myself all of these questions, like, do I want to get a job immediately? Do I want to stay in an apartment not too far from my house? Do I forget my aspirations to live in another country or a different state, and just stay close to home where it’s safe? I don’t even know if this career path I chose is what I want anymore.
I know there is nothing wrong with this mindset, but I feel like I get trapped in this concept of turtles all the way down. It’s this mindset of just constantly dwelling over every decision I’ve ever made causing a thought spiral. It’s this never-ending cycle of thinking “This is what I’m meant to do, this is my passion, these are core memories, these are my people,” then something small happens and everything flips to “tainted memories, loss of passion, settling, and then hating where I’m at.” Again this idea of turtles all the way down, it just keeps going and going and going…
However, we all have to make difficult decisions and I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how this one turns out.
Featured Image by Sarah Zdunkiewicz
