Have you ever lost someone you didn’t plan to lose? A lot of the time that’s about a romantic relationship, but the truth is that there are so many different kinds of love in this world. There are so many people in our lives who give us love and care, and that’s shown in so many different ways. You could say love is everywhere and in everyone. Everyone has their own love to give, and everyone wants to be loved.
In my life, I have a group of friends that I met back in High School, and they’re deeply important to me. They made me who I am, they were there for me during some of the most crucial and impactful times in my life. They cared about me even when I wasn’t the best version of myself. There aren’t enough words to describe my devotion and loyalty to them. We all went to separate colleges, and we all have our own lives now. Despite that, we still text in the group chat we made back in High School. We have our annual Halloween party where we all plan 6 months in advance to ensure everyone can make it. Everyone in the group is incredibly smart, hilariously funny, and probably the most capable young adults I know. Even if they think otherwise and I’ve been privileged to be able to grow up with them. We all met roughly around Freshman-Sophomore year of High school when we were about 13-15 when we all met. Those beautifully stupid souls have my heart.
This doesn’t mean we haven’t had our issues like any teenage friend group had. We had plenty of arguments, many of us drifted apart for a bit and some left the group entirely. Nevertheless, we figured it out somehow.
I think there’s something about growing up in one of the most dangerous parts of the city with these dummies. But we made it out. We all managed to go to college, or into the workforce. Some got certifications and others moved out into their own apartments. A few of the High School couples ended up living together, which was beautiful to witness. A couple of my friends plan to even have children within the next 5 years. Which is a scary change for not only me and our friendship, but I know they’d be amazing parents. Most of us have experienced our childhoods, and our teenage years til the very last drop. Now we’re over the age of twenty, or turning twenty this year. Now that I am older I’m proud to have grown up and survived the streets of Kensington with them by my side.
I feel so strongly about the friends I have, and deeply grieve the friends from High School who didn’t make it with me to where I am now. It hurts even more when they’re not really gone. Just cause they don’t talk to me, doesn’t mean they don’t talk to the others in the friend group. That’s valid in itself, and I would never expect my friends to base who they talk to based on who I talk to. Regardless, seeing the friends I don’t talk to anymore at the Halloween party hurts me more than anything. Especially since they were once so special to me.
Two Halloween parties ago, we were all together, drinking, laughing, smiling. I remember being so happy, content, mostly drunk but there was nowhere else in the world I would rather be than by their side. The contrast of being children, having to ask our parents if we could hang out, to executing a party with all our friends from High School, and at a house one of our friends owned, bringing alcohol that we could legally buy. It was a great time.
Then this year, there were some faces I avoided talking to, I couldn’t even look at them and they didn’t want to look at me either. My heart broke, and it’s still breaking. I didn’t want that, it’s never how I imagined it to be. I wanted to be friends with all of them forever, but we all grew in different directions. I wanted them in my life, but they seem to be occupied at the moment. They seem content, happy even. Happier than I’ve ever seen them. I just wish I could experience their joy firsthand. Instead of watching it drunkenly from across the room. I miss them more than I’ve ever missed anyone, and I carry their absence everywhere I go. It still hurts because I still think highly of them. I still think they’re incredibly smart, hilariously funny, and probably the most capable young adults I know. I just wish they could think highly of me as well. I miss when we were all a unified group of friends, instead we’re just fragments of the wholeness we used to have.
This is a weird grey area to navigate. Especially cause it hurts, a lot. But whenever I try to talk to others about it, they say I can make new friends or better friends. To be honest with you, we didn’t fall out for no reason. Things happened, trust was broken, and things weren’t the same. The end. So while people seem to associate breakups with romance, can’t I love someone in a platonic way? Cause I love them all so deeply, and I’m honored to be someone in their lives, someone they call a friend. Although, the love I felt for them, is nothing but a grey pile of memories and heartbreak. I find myself sifting through the lifeless wants and hopes, just because it’s all I have. Their spot in my heart didn’t leave, it greyed itself out. Now it’s just a hard and brittle stone where my love for them used to be.
Despite this, there’s nothing in this world could keep me away from those who DO want to be in my life. Those who stayed, those who enjoyed my presence at the party. Those who I’ve loved since High School, those I’ve cared for since High School. The friends who run at me full force when I come into the room. The friends who held onto a present they got for me for several months over quarantine, and waited till they saw me again. The friends who danced with me, even though we all looked like a bunch of uncoordinated sims on the dancefloor. My favorite thing is when they jokingly yell “Ah Look it’s Efannn!” (Making the TH- into an F? Or PH- I’m not sure which they use but it’s cool) or “OMG ETHAN!!!!’. They’ve been saying variations of my name since I was 14. My name coming out their mouth sounds almost nostalgic at this point. These are the idiots I want to grow old with. So, I put on a brave face when I come across ones I’m not close with anymore. Besides, I still enjoy my time anyway, because no matter what, love is still everywhere. I just try to focus on the love meant for me a little more these days.
Featured Image by: Original public domain image from Wikimedia Commons.
